you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Saturday, May 31, 2008

My Blackberry and I - It's a love/hate relationship...

I'm holding out for this one!

They said RIM's BlackBerry 9000 would be formally announced on the 12th. They said it would be called the Bold. Photos suggested that it would be the sexiest thing to come out of Canada since Sarah McLachlan's Fumbling Towards Ecstasy. And they wuz right. Boy Genius says it'll be available this summer on AT&T 3G, with a T-Mobile 3G edition in the wings—the handset can handle 850/1900/2100Mhz for HSDPA/UMTS, plus T-Mo's 1700MHz band. Sascha at PC Mag is reporting a CDMA/EV-DO version as well. Jump for more details like that 480 x 320 screen—and giddy tittering—from sources all around the web, plus the official press release.


Here's the rundown:
• Has 802.11a/b/g plus good GPS, typically a tradeoff with BBs
• GPS is enhanced and assisted, and the handset has better map rendering, says Laptop
• 480 x 320 resolution screen with 65,000 colors—Crave says "never seen a better-looking display"
• 624MHz Intel PXA270/Marvell Tavor PXA930 processor (reports differ), up from 312MHz
• Runs BlackBerry OS 4.6
• Keyboard has 8800-style "sculpted keys," says PC Mag, "but the rows are separated by curved barriers"
• 4.5" tall x 2.6" wide x 0.5" deep, weighing 4.7oz
• Side-loading MicroSD/SDHC slot for up to 16GB additional
• 2MP camera with flash
• Talk time of 5 hours, with standby of 13 days
• MP3, WMA, AAC, DivX4 and WMV3 codec support
• 3.5mm headphone jack
• "Pretty powerful speakers—none of that weak, tinny junk," says Crave
• 128MB of flash plus 1GB of onboard memory (with encryption)
• Black leather back panel that can be swapped for other color leather plates
• Pricing will be $300 to $500 says BGR, a pretty wide (and obvious) range; Crave narrows it to "$300 to $400"

Why the name? Well, since Mike Lazaridis stopped taking our phone calls (blog allergy, some say), my guess is that those dudes are either fans of Goethe or fans of Cameron Crowe. You know... "Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid." Keep it up, RIM. I think it's working. [Product Page and Press Release PLUS Boy Genius; Laptop; Crave; PC Magazine]

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Don't you dare forget to watch LOST's season's finale tonight!

It's going to be a LOST night!!!

I'll be Lost in my little world for 3 full hours!

-I'm so giddy. I'm sad too that it's leaving me. For a few months that is.

I have a lot of questions that I want to be answered.

I'm nervous. Might vomit.


JUNE 17- Go get lost on your wedding day! ;o) Hurrah!

California's first gay marriage, on June 17

SAN FRANCISCO (AFP) — California will hold its first gay marriages starting on June 17, state authorities told its public officials Wednesday, two weeks after the state Supreme Court quashed a ban on gay marriage in a historic ruling.

In the ceremony, the authorities said in a statement, the terms husband and wife will be replaced by "party A" and "party B." The union, in all its effects, will in no other way differ from a normal civilian marriage officiated by state authorities.

In an opinion that could have nationwide implications, the California Supreme Court on May 15 voted 4-3 in favor of plaintiffs who argued that restricting marriage to men and women was discriminatory.

The ruling added that all California couples had a "basic civil right" to marry "without regard to their sexual orientation."

California is now only the second US state after Massachusetts to legalize unions between homosexuals.

Supreme Court rulings go into effect 30 days after publication, but state authorities set June 17 as the date for the first marriages to be officiated, since the ruling can be appealed up to June 16.

The ruling on gay marriage followed a long-running legal battle that erupted in 2000 when California voters approved a law declaring that only marriages between men and women could be legally recognized.

In February 2004, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom defied state law by issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, arguing that existing laws were illegal because they violated equal rights legislation.

A court later halted the issuance of licenses and declared that same-sex marriages that took place during this period were void, but civil rights activists argued that limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples was unconstitutional.

In 2005 the San Francisco Superior Court ruled in favor of the plaintiffs, finding that there was no justification for refusing to allow marriages.

But the decision was overturned in 2006 by the California Court of Appeal, which ruled in a 2-1 decision that the state's desire to "carry out the expressed wishes of a majority" was sufficient to preserve the existing law.

California lawmakers have also voted in favor of gay marriage but the bill was vetoed by Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who said, however, he would respect the Supreme Court's decision.

A coalition of religious and social conservative groups have vowed to add a vote calling for a ban on same-sex marriage when California goes to the polls in November's election.

State election officials will rule next month on whether sponsors of the vote have gathered enough signatures to force the issue onto the ballot. Schwarzenegger has said he would not support the measure.

Wednesday's ruling coincided with a Field opinion survey that found Californians in favor of gay marriage outnumbering those against by a 52-41 percent margin, in stark contrast with the 59-28 percent advantage gay marriage opposers had in the first survey the group took on the issue in 1977

Welcome to the Crackberry Cafe...

Ok, I'm not that bad. Honestly. I've seen people live on these things!

The 13 Steps to Breaking a CrackBerry Addiction

1. Admit we were powerless over our CrackBerries — that our lives have become unmanageable without the little gadgets and that, like Pavlovian dogs, we are slaves to its bleeps, vibrations, buzzes and rings.

2. Admit to the universe, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our CrackBerry addiction. Admit that while you might look like you’re praying you are really just texting someone about that chick in HR/guy in the mail room. That you don’t respond to your children unless they vibrate first. That your spouse communicates with you during lovemaking through e-mail -- ‘To: Bob Smith. From: Wife. Subject: Left a little bit.’

3. We must come to believe that only the greater power of wireless-lessness can restore us to sanity.

4. We must make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the power of unconnectedness and eschew knowing if someone is mailing us at this very minute.

5. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of our CrackBerry use – do we shamelessly put our BlackBerries on the table in a bar to present a false sense of importance; do we drive and compose e-mail at the same; do we rudely ignore our co-workers, loved ones and children in order to take that “important call” from Ron, the lounge lizard from accounts?

6. Make a list of all persons we have harmed through our rudeness, inconsideration and pretentious self-involvement, and make amends to them all. Sincerely and in person, not via text message -- ‘sory 4 bng a rde bstrd. wnt hppn agn.’

7. Turn off the CrackBerry. Now. No “I’m expecting an important call.” No “My life depends on Shirley getting me those numbers.” No “I’m almost finished my Sudoko game.” Turn it off now. Stop looking at it expectantly. Seriously, stop.

8. Realize that you are not the center of the universe. If someone can’t get a hold of you they will have to wait. That waiting is a natural state. That failure to reach you 24/7 will not mean the end of the world. The universe will not implode, the apocalypse will not happen if Ron/Jeanie doesn’t get a hold of you and has to wait until lunch time to find out if you got lucky with that chick from HR/guy from the mail room.

9. Set limits on BlackBerry use. Use only during business hours. Lock it up when on vacation – you can’t do anything from Cabo anyway. Turn off the vibration feature. Yes girls this means you too. Set a time to review e-mail. Don’t set that time when you are operating a vehicle.

10. Turn off the BlackBerry during all meetings, classes, presentations, weddings and funerals. No one wants you to interrupt the eulogy. Especially if you are giving it.

11. Know that the world actually functioned before BlackBerries and that people managed to survive with ancient tools like phones and desktop computers. While it was a long time ago (circa 2005) there are people still alive who remember this time. Seek out these people and ask them about life back then. And take their advice and learn from them.

12. Having fulfilled these steps know that you control the CrackBerry. It does not control you. That access is a two-way street. That it is a tool, not a chain. That you can relate to actual human beings too.

13. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, carry this message to all CrackBerry addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Just another reason why I love Eddie Vedder!

Vedder's auction items to help school in Ojai.

If you would like to own an autographed Pearl Jam poster or a band wardrobe T-shirt worn and signed by frontman Eddie Vedder, I have good news for you.

They're among a list of Vedder's personal items that are available
Through Wednesday on eBay.

If you also have an inclination to help the Montessori School of Ojai, well, this truly is your lucky day...

Turns out the rock icon has a connection at the Ventura County school: Pearl Jam's longtime monitor engineer lives in Ojai and has had 2 children come through the school. Karrie Keyes, the engineer says the band and Ed are not just employers but an extended family, the band has always been supportive of the engineer and their 2 daughters.

Vedder offered to put up 16 items on eBay, with the funds to benifit the 120-student school serving children 2 to 14 and it's environmental efforts.

Specifically, auction proceeds will be used for the infant-toddler program and the further conservation of the campus.

Ed was very enthusiastic about helping out.

Auction items-most of them from the band's West Coast April Fools Tour 2008-include 10 handwritten set lists as well as a variety of items signed by Vedder. An "Into the Wild" CD, a tour program and a guitar pick, a vocal microphone, T-shirts & posters.

Bidding on the items ends at various times between 5:30pm and 7:02pm Wednesday.

To view and/or bid on the items, visit

*For more on the philanthropy of Vedder and the band, visit:


The Phoenix Lander just landed on Mars! This hasn't happened since The 70's! I'm so excited! You should be too!

I told you I am a Space-buff. LoL.
Love everything space related, that includes making love to Chewbucca. Ok, a girl can have her fantasies...

Anyhow, do you know what this means?

-It took Ten months! 10 months it took Phoenix to get to Mars! It has 7 minutes to perform a challening series of actions to slow down from nearly 13,000 mph!

The Phoenix can take several photos and it can actually dig into the surface. We are looking for Hydrogen, Oxygen, Carbon (she's a nice song) and Ice/water.
-to see if there was or if there IS life on Mars!

Could Mars have hosted life at any point in it's history, I often ask myself (hey, I'm a geek and I think it's about time you Rethink Geek). Geek Power!

Mars is our sister planet, I just hope we don't ruin her like we have the earth. I can see it now 10 years from now people moving to Mars and buildings going up.
Laugh now, but you never know.

*I can't wait to see what the outcome is. I'm uber excited!*

I Love Science!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Always good for a storm...

That was a nice little mini-storm that I was lucky enough to have visit, even for a short time.

Wow-the wind went wild and fierce and was all up in my everywhere.

I ran out on my balcony to let the wind whip up all around me.
-As I came out it was sprinkling, but in the Tori world we people call it drizzle ;o)

My hair whipped up and I was standing there wet.

I could have this kind of weather everyday.

Come on more more more- tell me Dallas Raines is there more?

-cause me likey!

oooooOOOhhh Nick Cave is good in bed!!

I had a vivid sex dream w/ Nick Cave this morning and man that guy can fuck! -ok "make love"- whatever you wanna call it.

-It's a nice looong story that I'd rather keep to myself.

But I just love this guy even more now.

And when I see him I'm gonna let him know how good in bed he is... Haha. Baby.

I'm sure he'll like the feedback.


Monday, May 19, 2008

found love with a pigeon (NO NOT ME!)

*I been meaning to blog this like forever!*

They're an odd couple in every sense but a monkey and a pigeon have become inseparable at an animal sanctuary in China.

The 12-week-old macaque - who was abandoned by his mother - was close to death when it was rescued on Neilingding Island, in Goangdong Province.

After being taken to an animal hospital his health began to improve but he seemed spiritless - until he developed a friendship with a white pigeon.

The macaque nestles his head against his feathered friend

The blossoming relationship helped to revive the macaque who has developed a new lease of life, say staff at the sanctuary.

Now the unlikely duo are never far from each other's side, but they aren't the only ones to strike up an unusual friendship.

Earlier this year a pig adopted a tiger cub and raised him along with her piglets because his mother couldn't feed him.

And in 2005 a baby deer named Mi-Lu befriended lurcher Geoffrey at the Knowsley Animal Park in Merseyside after she was rejected by her mother.

You see Peter I AM putting up your postcards...

All of them! Thank you for remembering me in every city! Have fun and be safe traveling the world you lucky duck! ;o) Tell those Frenchies to stop smoking!

Monday, May 12, 2008

You can keep your Hoochie!!!

HaHa. for some strange reason I have 'Hoochie Woman' stuck in my head. and I been singing it under my breath alllllll day long.

What fun!

"you need a loan, that's not a problem-
you better keep this from your Hoochie Woman"...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sad, but true...

Guys would sleep with a bicycle if it had the right colour lip gloss on. They have no shame.
They're like bull elks in a field.

They bring me Honey...

This is where you know the Honey from the Killer Bees...

Even the Glamourous Beeeeee can be in need...

*Honey bee populations are disappearing at an alarming rate-
and we want to keep these little heroes buzzing.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


I've always respected bees & how agressivly their'll protect their hives and Queen. Plus, I eat honey almost everyday. Yum yum.
When I see one on the sidewalk, I think "awwwe a bee" and I never step on them like some people do!
Huh! [rolls eyes & sighs].

Plus, they wear cute fancy jackets! What true divas! Heehee.

I couldn't imagine a world without honey, neither can Winnie the Pooh I bet! Sheesssh.

Honey bees, how I love you, even when you sting my knees,
you're swell with me honey bee.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Bye bye wheel, thanks for the memories!

It makes me So SAD that their taking the Pacific Ferris wheel down on the Santa Monica Pier!
I hate it when they take the old world charm and like ma and pa markets down to only build
bigger and "better" state of the art modern crap! I had made MANY memories on this wheel
and I will sadly miss it! It's been a staple in my life for a long time. I'm so glad I got these pics of the wheel a few years back. Bye bye wheel, thanks for the memories! One little birdie over here will miss you! boo hoo....

pacific wheel

The West Coast skyline is set to go dark for 17 days starting May 5 as the removal process of the Pacific Wheel Ferris wheel begins in preparation for the installation of an all-new Pacific Wheel Ferris wheel at Pacific Park® on the Santa Monica Pier. The world-famous solar-powered Ferris wheel will receive a larger-than-life makeover as the superstar, nine-story attraction is replaced with a contemporary state-of-the-art Ferris wheel at the two-acre seaside amusement park.

The reveal, scheduled to kick-off the Memorial Day weekend, will dazzle onlookers with an all-new lighting package illuminating the Southern California coastline with 160,000 energy-efficient LED lights replacing the 5,392 red, white and blue traditional light bulbs that now flicker on the wheel’s spokes and hub. The enhanced LED lighting will provide higher energy savings while complementing the solar-power application. Featuerd as a backdrop in countless feature films, nightly newscasts and more, the new illumination package will also display dynamic, eye-popping computer-generated lighting entertainment in the evenings.

“Forever in the celebrity spotlight, the Pacific Wheel has a very impressive list of credits with appearances in more than 105 photo shoots, 71 television commercials, 69 television shows, 28 feature films and 13 music videos,” says Jeff Klocke, director of marketing and sales at Pacific Park on the Santa Monica Pier. “The all-new Ferris wheel will continue to be seen by millions and generate the type of Hollywood buzz it’s enjoyed over the years including top billing in the opening shots for NBC’s Tonight Show with Jay Leno and appearing in television’s number one program, American Idol, on FOX.”

The Pacific Wheel, which has provided more than 3 million rides in its 12 years of operation, stands 130 feet above the Pacific Ocean, features 20 gondolas with a maximum six riders per car and can accommodate up to 800 riders per hour.

The all-new $1.5 million Ferris wheel is being manufactured by Chance Morgan Rides Manufacturing Inc. in Wichita Kan., and will have comparable rider capacity and mechanical specifications.

Pacific Park on the Santa Monica Pier, LA’s only admission-free amusement park, offers 12 amusement rides, 21 midway games and an oceanfront food plaza. For information and hours of operation, call (310) 260-8744 or visit

for more information goto :

* I have other photos I took on the wheel, just gotta find them... that could take forever.*

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Concert tickets, new fish, new friends, dry-humping Robert Plant's leg, Cooling and the Maladies in my mind...

This is Cooling...

So much has been going on at one time and such a worry-wart queen and nag about getting everything done on all these crazy 'to do lists' I make, I've had no time to sit down and blog. I have been trying to for a week now.

I been stressed out buying all these concert tickets or trying to and pulling out my luscious long hair! Have at it!
Nick Cave, I just might be bald when I see you-crap! It's been 6 long years since I sat front row and center at The Wiltern, so close I could smell the sweat beading off your balls. I will be knocking people down for this one!

Stress, stress and more stress.
For those who know me and concert tickets know ezactly what I'm talkin' about.

Nick in the lovely months and Kate Nash FINALLY next week, after missing all the other 20 times I've tried to see you. xoxo

I also been buying new fishies all week to add to my tank since my precious.Bonnie passed on about 2 weeks ago. I had Bonnie for almost 10 years and we been thru it all together. I didn't want to leave Clyde jr. lonely in the tank by himself. But, since I've added these new fish he has been giving me dirty looks and giving me the evil eye. I don't know how to please these diva fish anymore. I buy new foods so they don't get bored. I buy live plants for them (I hear Thom Yorke singing 'Fake Plastic plants' right about now).
They still seem like it's never enough (ok, now I hear Robert Smith singing "it's never enough, it's nver enough). Am I losing my cotton (underwear) pickin' mind?

I know I've only slept a few hours lastnight, waking up @ 6:30 this morning was SO NOT RAVEN. That's so ass.

Ok- I got a another baby Kuhli Loach and named her 'baby bonnie' because she's so tiny.

I got a small bright yellowish/orange snail and named him Mr. Magoo. Some of you are too young to know who that was. Maybe I should have named him 'Speed Racer' instead (he's pretty fast).

Which reminds me all week I been singing the intro to 'Cooling'.
Over and over again, "Maybe I didn't like to hear-but I still can't believe speed racer is dead"

I loved this song from the moment I heard it and the lyrics are so close to my personal being, that it's eerie and clever and it's allll goodddd. Like a sweet orgasim with someone you love. You know? But I'll get into this later.

Sidetracked- The other fishies I got were a baby bottom feeder that has the cutest little mug that I named him 'Cutie pie', I know totally generic. But if you saw his face you would have done the same. Trust me.

I also saw a tiny tiny tiny baby snail w/ a really cool shell that was put in my plastic bag at the store. I haven't named him yet, which is weird beacuse I usually know their names before I even leave the fish store.

I then wanted actual fish that swim around so I went back a few days later and got 2 small Marble Hatchets. They are beautiful, calm peaceful fish that remind me of Pelicans because of their shape. They swim and glide around mostly by the top of the water line. Gentle, hard to take care of. I've had these before.
I saw 3 left in the tank & I got only 2, a pair, - don't know what I was thinkin' but I should have got all 3 of them, I felt really bad leaving that other guy behind and lonely, so 2 days later I went back and got him. Thinking that I was doing them all a favor, it turned out a sad mess.

Instead of a happy reunion, it seemed as if they were leaving him out and I would find him alone by himself at the bottom of the tank or up where they usually are hanging out, but on the other side. After a while I'd see them together. Sometimes. It made me mad at the other two.
-I named the first 2 I got Persephone and Piper. The 3rd one Prudence. I think Persephone & Piper set something up, because the next day, I was watching them & Prue didn't look so good, I was worried. Prudence died a few hours later. I was angry with the other two and yelled at them that maybe I should change their names to 'RED' and 'RUM' because their so evil. Then another died today. So, I don't know what's up. One left.

-I might just go get that beta I wanted and name him 'Winter' 'cause he looks like 'Winter'.
Their hearty. Nothing against delicate fish, but there's too much going on in my life right now, that I don't have time to sit fish, although I spoil them rotten. ;o)

I made a new friend, from New Zealand, but the best part of it all is that she loves and adores Mr.Nick Cave like I do. Finally
I got a Nick Cave pal! And I made another new Nick Caver from Utah and she rocks! So, I'm happy. I might be seeing them at some of the shows. My friend from New Zealand will be at the Oregon show and we are making plans to meet up. So fun! She's such a sweet girl.

I guess Myspace is good for something after all. Haha.

-On to my really wild and weird vivid dream. This morning I woke up w/ a smile on my face because I was dry humping Robert Plant's leg and we were laughing up a storm. We all, being me, robert and that cute bald guy loading the equipment into the truck from the doc. He was the one that shoved me on Robert and said "hump his leg". Robert just shrugged and smiled. I Was like why am I doing this? We were laughing so fucking hard our faces were bright red and we were almost pissing ourselves. It was like really happening. I woke up laughing, looking around going "WTF"?

Now back to Cooling (which I think is sooo, pardon the pun, "cool" - because Robert Plant sings "cooling" in his song, remember?)
Love how this all fits in.

Anywho, I been CRAVING, I mean totally yearning to hear and sing 'Cooling' over and over, then at night put on my headphones, sat up & listened to my girl- my pretty pretty b-side. Then it got me thinkin' how much I loved/love this album and the cover art and the water feel to it, I'm really into the signs. I remember disgussing this with Ross a few years back. We always pick the water, earth, fire, air-even wind and beyond songs. Which one is thick like molasses or light like winter. Dry like Juarez, wet like Liquid Diamonds and Pandora, well-like a lot of her songs. I do this with all her songs, they take on a life force that way. They all breathe and they ALL talk to me.

Well, it got me thinkin' and counting the years- I felt a lump in my throat when I realized that FROM THE CHOIR GIRL HOTEL was 10 fucking years old. It made me sad for some reason. It made me think of how fast time flys by & how old I'm getting, how old TORI is getting. It also reminded me how I always think of this album on Cinco de mayo instead of beans and rice. It also reminds me of the day it came out and how my life was literally almost taken from me and how I was "STILL ALIVE"...
This album has so much meaning to me, that no one would understand, not even Tori herself. Altho I explained a little part of what happened to me that day of the release, how I survived, how I was lucky I wore my high top converse that day instead of my flemsey flip-flops that I wear most of the time. She held my hand and we both got teary eyed. That was that same night she played 'Mother' for me for the first time, I had a breakdown during the show (some of you know why) and she actually came out after the show and told me she played it for me and that's the picture you see of me & tori teary eyed and hugging in that fav. photo of us. Anyhow, I had went thru a lot that day in the pouring rain, and so many songs were speaking right to me. Telling me to be strong. "Even the rain is sharp like today". I don't think I've ever told anybody what I'm about to write- it's very personal and I tend not to tell things like this. What's the point anyhow?

I was walking in the rain in Van Nuys (The San Franando Valley-which Tori sings about in 'Amber Waves') I was working that day and on my lunch break I was walking over to the dentist to get my teeth done. Then I planned on getting the album which I was Sooo anticipaiting-hard core, you guys have no idea. I kept sayin' "how is she gonna top 'Boys for Pele', and even tho. Pele remains my fav. Always and forever, I hold Choirgirl so close to my little heart. They kept playin' her 'Spark' video on some local video channel, let me see if I get this name right? The channel was called "Music Box" or "Jute Box" or something like that? They would play it like every hour, not kidding. People could call up and request videos and they would put your name on the screen. I even did it one time, to see my name on TV. Haha. LOL.

Anyhow, waiting for this album sooo bad! I think the most, besides 'Under the Pink' and 'Pele'.

So, walking in the pouring rain down a side street to my dentist, out of nowhere, a car pulls up & this guy rolls down his window and says "you need a ride"? I said "No, that"s ok, I'm not going far". Then he opens the door and pulls me in his car, kidnapped me.
-I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I yelled at him to stop the car and I told him he didn't want to do this. He then punched me as hard as he could on my temple & side of my face. I was trying to get out of the car, but he did something to the handle were I couldn't. I tried and tried, and just as he was reaching under his seat and was pulling up something that was shiney metal, like a gun or knife the door came open and he was driving fast & I jumped out onto the old gravel pavememt, him running over both my feet, leaving tire marks on my shoes. I could have had 2 broken feet if it wasn't raining that day & I was wearing flip-flops! Those were the shoes I had tori sign years and years ago. She kinda chuckled when I asked, until I told her the story behind it & and that's when she teared up and hugged me. What strength it took me. "Jackie's Strength'. (I know- a wedding blah blah blah song-but still...).

Anyway, I jumped out and ran as fast as I could into the bushes, hiding. In the pouring rain. I was afraid to move, I was in shock. I will not go into detail about everything that happened. I was so scared. He kept driving the street back & fourth, looking for me. He wouldn't leave. Finally I ran to every door, trying to look calm as not to frighten people. Nobody would answer the door. Finally some lady answered her door & I asked if I could use her phone. She brought it out to me, and I said, "could I please step in the house for a second". I was afraid he'd see me. And get this- I guess I was in shock' because instead of calling the police, I called a Taxi to take me to my dentist appt. I remember when I got to the office they were all staring at me because my green jacket was all torn, I had blood on it and a big ass lump on the side of my face. I don't remember what I told them, but I remember down-playing it like I was "ok"-when I really wanted to curl up and die.

It gets even crazier, I then called a taxi to pick me up & take me to (get this) The Warehouse! Remember that record store? I was on a mission to get this album no matter what! It still pouring rain, in my bloddy torn green jacket and knot on my head I ordered him to wait outside w/ the motor running that I'd be right out. I ran in and saw it there, and yes folks, I got the cassette tape, I was pissed off about these CD things coming out. Haha. LOL. I wasn't quite prepared to go there.

I grabbed it, paid and he drove me home, as I got out into the pouring rain, I looked around for him, just to make sure he didn't know where I was living. I paid the taxi guy and ran into the house. I unwrapped the plastic wrap from the tape and tore off my jacket, crying, throwing it in the trash. I tore my clothes off, put my Pj's on and put the tape in and here came 'Spark'- and then I thought about the video as I went to go sit on the bed. You know the video where she gets kidnapped in a car, the one where she's running, and there's water and the guy's looking for her. Yeah, that one. And here comes my tears rolling down my face faster than I can."You say you don't want this again and again, this circus we're in-but she don't really mean" that line speaks volumes to me. I wanted to put a gun to my head. I kept yelling at "whoever was up there". I want to kill myself, but I don't really mean it. Because who knows he/she upstairs just might have granted my wish. Who knows?
Then 'Cruel' with all it's rain lines and stuff.
Black dove is me dude, all the way. It could stand for a lot of things in my life. That little house in the woods in my childhood and the one in Lake Tahoe and including this day. To be honest at first I didn't like 'Swirl'-wasn't use to hearing Tori do stuff like that.but she's one of my fav. now no doubt! 'Liquid diamonds', 'Northern Lad', 'Playboy Mommy' 'Hotel'-these are some of my fav . songs in the world. So sad and a feeling of such sorrow and loss, mourning.
I was feeling bad for myself, yeah-but also for Tori and her lost little ones. I even wept for her, I did. If the longing and yearning music in Playboy Mommy doesn't get to you, then the lyrics will. And if not-check your pulse! Then 'Hotel' and the "Exit 75, I'm still alive" -I'm still alive- made me ball up and cry. With all the rain pouring outside my window and all my tears I was water-logged. Exhausted and spent.
This, my friends, this album shook me to the core, made me stronger and helped in my healing process.

I was afraid to go outside and didn't leave my house for 6 months. I listened to this tape until my fingers had erased most of the little white writing on the cassette itself.

So yeah, you better believe it holds a special place in my heart and my sanity. For sure. :Sigh: - Exhale Raven. I can't believe I just told anybody this, it just came out of nowhere. Just that I realised it was the 10 year mark that I associate this beautiful, brillant album with. Such ugliness & beauty all in one day. That was my Cinco de Mayo. No beans, no rice, but courage.

-I am so sleep-deprived and tired, I only planned to write a breif blog and I am amazed myself that this story just wanted to be told.
10 years later.


Exit 75, I'm still Alive...

I LOVE YOU CHOIRGIRL and that under ground hotel you stay at!

Friday, May 2, 2008

I know where I'll be in September & October...;o)

I already knew these were on their way and knew of the Hollywood bowl gig for a while now, but the rest was the best news I could have got! I been waiting for his sexy, brilliant asssss to come back to the states! I have wuved Nick and his boys for soooooooooooooooooooooo long now! and I always will! xoxox. Something I have that's honest and true.

From the Billions website:

Hard on the heels of the US release of Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds' electrifying fourteenth studio album, Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!, the band now reveals their intention to return to North America for their first live dates here in five and a half years. The new album, almost universally acclaimed as one of their very best, is off to the band's strongest sales start in SoundScan history. The tour, featuring Mr. Cave's first appearances at the famed Hollywood Bowl and New York's WaMu Theater at Madison Square Garden, is brief, eagerly awaited and expected to sell out quickly. Look for most shows to go on sale this week.

The full slate is as follows:
TUE 9/16/2008 - San Diego, CA - 4th & B
WED 9/17/2008 - Los Angeles, CA - Hollywood Bowl
SAT 9/20/2008 - San Francisco, CA - Warfield Theatre
MON 9/22/2008 - Portland, OR - Crystal Ballroom
TUE 9/23/2008 - Seattle, WA - Showbox SoDo
FRI 9/26/2008 - Denver, CO - Ogden Theatre
MON 9/29/2008 - Chicago, IL - Riviera Theatre
WED 10/1/2008 - Toronto, ON - Kool Haus
THU 10/2/2008 - Montreal, QC - Metropolis
SAT 10/4/2008- New York, NY- WaMu Theater at MSG
SUN 10/5/2008 - Washington, DC - 9:30 Club