you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Concert tickets, new fish, new friends, dry-humping Robert Plant's leg, Cooling and the Maladies in my mind...

This is Cooling...

So much has been going on at one time and such a worry-wart queen and nag about getting everything done on all these crazy 'to do lists' I make, I've had no time to sit down and blog. I have been trying to for a week now.

I been stressed out buying all these concert tickets or trying to and pulling out my luscious long hair! Have at it!
Nick Cave, I just might be bald when I see you-crap! It's been 6 long years since I sat front row and center at The Wiltern, so close I could smell the sweat beading off your balls. I will be knocking people down for this one!

Stress, stress and more stress.
For those who know me and concert tickets know ezactly what I'm talkin' about.

Nick in the lovely months and Kate Nash FINALLY next week, after missing all the other 20 times I've tried to see you. xoxo

I also been buying new fishies all week to add to my tank since my precious.Bonnie passed on about 2 weeks ago. I had Bonnie for almost 10 years and we been thru it all together. I didn't want to leave Clyde jr. lonely in the tank by himself. But, since I've added these new fish he has been giving me dirty looks and giving me the evil eye. I don't know how to please these diva fish anymore. I buy new foods so they don't get bored. I buy live plants for them (I hear Thom Yorke singing 'Fake Plastic plants' right about now).
They still seem like it's never enough (ok, now I hear Robert Smith singing "it's never enough, it's nver enough). Am I losing my cotton (underwear) pickin' mind?

I know I've only slept a few hours lastnight, waking up @ 6:30 this morning was SO NOT RAVEN. That's so Raven...my ass.

Ok- I got a another baby Kuhli Loach and named her 'baby bonnie' because she's so tiny.

I got a small bright yellowish/orange snail and named him Mr. Magoo. Some of you are too young to know who that was. Maybe I should have named him 'Speed Racer' instead (he's pretty fast).

Which reminds me all week I been singing the intro to 'Cooling'.
Over and over again, "Maybe I didn't like to hear-but I still can't believe speed racer is dead"

I loved this song from the moment I heard it and the lyrics are so close to my personal being, that it's eerie and clever and it's allll goodddd. Like a sweet orgasim with someone you love. You know? But I'll get into this later.

Sidetracked- The other fishies I got were a baby bottom feeder that has the cutest little mug that I named him 'Cutie pie', I know totally generic. But if you saw his face you would have done the same. Trust me.

I also saw a tiny tiny tiny baby snail w/ a really cool shell that was put in my plastic bag at the store. I haven't named him yet, which is weird beacuse I usually know their names before I even leave the fish store.

I then wanted actual fish that swim around so I went back a few days later and got 2 small Marble Hatchets. They are beautiful, calm peaceful fish that remind me of Pelicans because of their shape. They swim and glide around mostly by the top of the water line. Gentle, hard to take care of. I've had these before.
I saw 3 left in the tank & I got only 2, a pair, - don't know what I was thinkin' but I should have got all 3 of them, I felt really bad leaving that other guy behind and lonely, so 2 days later I went back and got him. Thinking that I was doing them all a favor, it turned out a sad mess.

Instead of a happy reunion, it seemed as if they were leaving him out and I would find him alone by himself at the bottom of the tank or up where they usually are hanging out, but on the other side. After a while I'd see them together. Sometimes. It made me mad at the other two.
-I named the first 2 I got Persephone and Piper. The 3rd one Prudence. I think Persephone & Piper set something up, because the next day, I was watching them & Prue didn't look so good, I was worried. Prudence died a few hours later. I was angry with the other two and yelled at them that maybe I should change their names to 'RED' and 'RUM' because their so evil. Then another died today. So, I don't know what's up. One left.

-I might just go get that beta I wanted and name him 'Winter' 'cause he looks like 'Winter'.
Their hearty. Nothing against delicate fish, but there's too much going on in my life right now, that I don't have time to sit fish, although I spoil them rotten. ;o)

I made a new friend, from New Zealand, but the best part of it all is that she loves and adores Mr.Nick Cave like I do. Finally
I got a Nick Cave pal! And I made another new Nick Caver from Utah and she rocks! So, I'm happy. I might be seeing them at some of the shows. My friend from New Zealand will be at the Oregon show and we are making plans to meet up. So fun! She's such a sweet girl.

I guess Myspace is good for something after all. Haha.


-On to my really wild and weird vivid dream. This morning I woke up w/ a smile on my face because I was dry humping Robert Plant's leg and we were laughing up a storm. We all, being me, robert and that cute bald guy loading the equipment into the truck from the doc. He was the one that shoved me on Robert and said "hump his leg". Robert just shrugged and smiled. I Was like why am I doing this? We were laughing so fucking hard our faces were bright red and we were almost pissing ourselves. It was like really happening. I woke up laughing, looking around going "WTF"?

Now back to Cooling (which I think is sooo, pardon the pun, "cool" - because Robert Plant sings "cooling" in his song, remember?)
Love how this all fits in.

Anywho, I been CRAVING, I mean totally yearning to hear and sing 'Cooling' over and over, then at night put on my headphones, sat up & listened to my girl- my pretty pretty b-side. Then it got me thinkin' how much I loved/love this album and the cover art and the water feel to it, I'm really into the signs. I remember disgussing this with Ross a few years back. We always pick the water, earth, fire, air-even wind and beyond songs. Which one is thick like molasses or light like winter. Dry like Juarez, wet like Liquid Diamonds and Pandora, well-like a lot of her songs. I do this with all her songs, they take on a life force that way. They all breathe and they ALL talk to me.

Well, it got me thinkin' and counting the years- I felt a lump in my throat when I realized that FROM THE CHOIR GIRL HOTEL was 10 fucking years old. It made me sad for some reason. It made me think of how fast time flys by & how old I'm getting, how old TORI is getting. It also reminded me how I always think of this album on Cinco de mayo instead of beans and rice. It also reminds me of the day it came out and how my life was literally almost taken from me and how I was "STILL ALIVE"...
This album has so much meaning to me, that no one would understand, not even Tori herself. Altho I explained a little part of what happened to me that day of the release, how I survived, how I was lucky I wore my high top converse that day instead of my flemsey flip-flops that I wear most of the time. She held my hand and we both got teary eyed. That was that same night she played 'Mother' for me for the first time, I had a breakdown during the show (some of you know why) and she actually came out after the show and told me she played it for me and that's the picture you see of me & tori teary eyed and hugging in that fav. photo of us. Anyhow, I had went thru a lot that day in the pouring rain, and so many songs were speaking right to me. Telling me to be strong. "Even the rain is sharp like today". I don't think I've ever told anybody what I'm about to write- it's very personal and I tend not to tell things like this. What's the point anyhow?

I was walking in the rain in Van Nuys (The San Franando Valley-which Tori sings about in 'Amber Waves') I was working that day and on my lunch break I was walking over to the dentist to get my teeth done. Then I planned on getting the album which I was Sooo anticipaiting-hard core, you guys have no idea. I kept sayin' "how is she gonna top 'Boys for Pele', and even tho. Pele remains my fav. Always and forever, I hold Choirgirl so close to my little heart. They kept playin' her 'Spark' video on some local video channel, let me see if I get this name right? The channel was called "Music Box" or "Jute Box" or something like that? They would play it like every hour, not kidding. People could call up and request videos and they would put your name on the screen. I even did it one time, to see my name on TV. Haha. LOL.

Anyhow, waiting for this album sooo bad! I think the most, besides 'Under the Pink' and 'Pele'.

So, walking in the pouring rain down a side street to my dentist, out of nowhere, a car pulls up & this guy rolls down his window and says "you need a ride"? I said "No, that"s ok, I'm not going far". Then he opens the door and pulls me in his car, kidnapped me.
-I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I yelled at him to stop the car and I told him he didn't want to do this. He then punched me as hard as he could on my temple & side of my face. I was trying to get out of the car, but he did something to the handle were I couldn't. I tried and tried, and just as he was reaching under his seat and was pulling up something that was shiney metal, like a gun or knife the door came open and he was driving fast & I jumped out onto the old gravel pavememt, him running over both my feet, leaving tire marks on my shoes. I could have had 2 broken feet if it wasn't raining that day & I was wearing flip-flops! Those were the shoes I had tori sign years and years ago. She kinda chuckled when I asked, until I told her the story behind it & and that's when she teared up and hugged me. What strength it took me. "Jackie's Strength'. (I know- a wedding blah blah blah song-but still...).

Anyway, I jumped out and ran as fast as I could into the bushes, hiding. In the pouring rain. I was afraid to move, I was in shock. I will not go into detail about everything that happened. I was so scared. He kept driving the street back & fourth, looking for me. He wouldn't leave. Finally I ran to every door, trying to look calm as not to frighten people. Nobody would answer the door. Finally some lady answered her door & I asked if I could use her phone. She brought it out to me, and I said, "could I please step in the house for a second". I was afraid he'd see me. And get this- I guess I was in shock' because instead of calling the police, I called a Taxi to take me to my dentist appt. I remember when I got to the office they were all staring at me because my green jacket was all torn, I had blood on it and a big ass lump on the side of my face. I don't remember what I told them, but I remember down-playing it like I was "ok"-when I really wanted to curl up and die.

It gets even crazier, I then called a taxi to pick me up & take me to (get this) The Warehouse! Remember that record store? I was on a mission to get this album no matter what! It still pouring rain, in my bloddy torn green jacket and knot on my head I ordered him to wait outside w/ the motor running that I'd be right out. I ran in and saw it there, and yes folks, I got the cassette tape, I was pissed off about these CD things coming out. Haha. LOL. I wasn't quite prepared to go there.

I grabbed it, paid and he drove me home, as I got out into the pouring rain, I looked around for him, just to make sure he didn't know where I was living. I paid the taxi guy and ran into the house. I unwrapped the plastic wrap from the tape and tore off my jacket, crying, throwing it in the trash. I tore my clothes off, put my Pj's on and put the tape in and here came 'Spark'- and then I thought about the video as I went to go sit on the bed. You know the video where she gets kidnapped in a car, the one where she's running, and there's water and the guy's looking for her. Yeah, that one. And here comes my tears rolling down my face faster than I can."You say you don't want this again and again, this circus we're in-but she don't really mean" that line speaks volumes to me. I wanted to put a gun to my head. I kept yelling at "whoever was up there". I want to kill myself, but I don't really mean it. Because who knows he/she upstairs just might have granted my wish. Who knows?
Then 'Cruel' with all it's rain lines and stuff.
Black dove is me dude, all the way. It could stand for a lot of things in my life. That little house in the woods in my childhood and the one in Lake Tahoe and including this day. To be honest at first I didn't like 'Swirl'-wasn't use to hearing Tori do stuff like that.but she's one of my fav. now no doubt! 'Liquid diamonds', 'Northern Lad', 'Playboy Mommy' 'Hotel'-these are some of my fav . songs in the world. So sad and a feeling of such sorrow and loss, mourning.
I was feeling bad for myself, yeah-but also for Tori and her lost little ones. I even wept for her, I did. If the longing and yearning music in Playboy Mommy doesn't get to you, then the lyrics will. And if not-check your pulse! Then 'Hotel' and the "Exit 75, I'm still alive" -I'm still alive- made me ball up and cry. With all the rain pouring outside my window and all my tears I was water-logged. Exhausted and spent.
This, my friends, this album shook me to the core, made me stronger and helped in my healing process.

I was afraid to go outside and didn't leave my house for 6 months. I listened to this tape until my fingers had erased most of the little white writing on the cassette itself.

So yeah, you better believe it holds a special place in my heart and my sanity. For sure. :Sigh: - Exhale Raven. I can't believe I just told anybody this, it just came out of nowhere. Just that I realised it was the 10 year mark that I associate this beautiful, brillant album with. Such ugliness & beauty all in one day. That was my Cinco de Mayo. No beans, no rice, but courage.


-I am so sleep-deprived and tired, I only planned to write a breif blog and I am amazed myself that this story just wanted to be told.
10 years later.

Wow.


Exit 75, I'm still Alive...




















I LOVE YOU CHOIRGIRL and that under ground hotel you stay at!

1 comment:

drizstik said...

WoW, thanks for typing all of that out Raven!!! I wish I could meet all of your new babies, and take Grapefruit for a walk w/you!-she sounds sooooo adorable!!!!!!! Sorry to hear about the lonely one, & Bonnie. :*( I have so much more to type in reply to your post, but I can't right now, nor here.~Thanks for sharing all of that though! I do ... See Moreremember you telling me about your own Choirgirl story, & again, I'm soooooo glad that you got out of that one!!! :( sick.sad.world! I have my own choirgirl release experience, and of course, I always associate May 5 with Choirgirl too, LoL!---leave it to us! gemini & virgo are siblings, sharing the planet Mercury; we're very alike, even if it's subtle. So glad that you had Tori sign your shoes; that is the best! Anyway, thanks again for writing sooooo much! I MISS yoU Ravey~girrrrrrrrrrlll!!! xoxoxos (If I make an account through blogspot, I'll write more there in reply.) *muahs*

p.s.~I forgot to type that I would *LOVE* to go see Nick with yoU!!! If I'm able to go, I will go there, even if I only get to SEE yoU for a couple of minutes!!! Hope you find some great tickets!!! *enjoy* xoxoxoxoxos
ttys