you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Earth Hour-March 29th, 2008! Go dark-turn your lights out tonight!

On March 29, 2008 @ 8pm, join millions of people around the world in making a statement about climate change by turning off your lights for Earth Hour. An event created by the World Wildlife Fund (WWF).

Even the lights on the Golden Gate Bridge will go out! The world can be dark tonight and it doesn't take much on your part.

*If you care about the planet you are living on, one hour isn't that bad at all!* (some say you can still have the TV on, lol, just turn off all the lights in the house). Shit turn the TV off for one hour and read or as Fiona says "sit and do nothing, 'cause it's just what you must do when nobody does it anymore". Seriously!

Go to the WWF website to find out more & the history of Earth Hour, who else is turning out the lights and much more. Thanks.

Take care of yourself and that thing you're standing on! ;o)

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I think I finally found my doctor! A good doctor!

And I can't be more thrilled!

And he's very generous when handing out the drugs!

I did a lot of research & he did exzactly what he was supossed to do! Good boy!

I think I like him as much as he likes staring at my boobs.

Finally I feel like myself again, for the first time today and that's a blissful thing!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I just watched the Space Shuttle Endeavour go over my head

And it was fucking beautiful. I wish I was up there with them.

Since a little girl I've always been intruiged w/ all things space, stars, planets. Those stars have got to be more than just balls of gas-they got too much personality. Obsessed with planets and the moon, the sun, eh, not so much.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Kate & Raven's weekend-San Luis Obispo, ocean, wine, bruises & Solvang!

All of the lovely photos at myspace

(by the way I'm leaving out a lot of detail here)-
I had such a wonderful time seeing my baby Kate. The weekend was beautiful, one to remember and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
It was Kate's birthday on the 10th, so we decided to celebrate it on her days off that Friday & Saturday. She had to go back to work early Sunday which sucked, but I'll cherish our 2 days (which we fit a week's worth of stuff in them anyways). I took a train ride along the coast and looked out into the ocean almost the intire way. Friday morning I left to San Luis Obispo and she was driving down from Oakland to meet me. Her parrents live in SLO. And what a wonderful home they have! Her parrents-omg! The coolest mom and dad ever. Their funny, interesting, young at heart, and warm. They were very welcoming. Told me I could come back any time and that it was my home away from home. My god, how sweet. So, kate pick's me up from the train station, we went to drop my stuff off at their house, my god-I went crazy in there. We went to meet her Daddy who was working to the bookstore he owned. So quaint and cute. We then went off to a corner market to get the world's best sandwitches. And I am picking because meat grosses me out a lot of the time. But this shit was heaven. I got a turkey sandwitch. The way you order your sandwitch was pretty cool too. You get a red pencil crayon like thing and fill out this little slip & circle what you want. Got our sandwitches to go to the beach. All along the way Kate's showing me where she grew up, her old house & schools, her old apt. on the beach. The town is so green, quiet and peaceful. We went to the beached & talked and had fun- but sand storm had us leaving early-that's ok because we still had dinner to go to w/ her parrents and the hot tub w/ kitties. No the kitties wern't in the water! Came back home, had some wine, talked on the patio, took piccys of the garden, I fell hard (the best fall I ever had) seriously. We laughed for well over a half hour, kate peed her pants & she kept telling me that like 20 times. Haha. I was stuck & couldn't get up. I was upside down on a hill and leggs in the air and the blood was rushing to my head. LOL. I swear I'll never forget it. It shpuld have been on America's funniest videos, oooh we would have won! I tried to stop myself from falling, took 3 steps and there I went down. Haha. As I'm in her mother's big potted plant, her dad walks up the sidewalk, coming home from work. Oh great. What a good first impression. Well, good thing I met him before at the book store. Oh oh oh how can I forget- we stopped @ a liquor store before coming to the house and I found my Sprees! Shit! I almost bust a nut! I can never find these where I live! So, I went a little basurk! So what! Hahaha, those photos were fun! We talked in the garden, then decided to get ready to go out for dinner w/ her mom & dad. I met her mom & we ate at Tahoe Joe's. We all had a nice talk. Came home, hot tub and fun and things. Came home, she put on the PJ's I bought her. I got on the computer as she fell asleep. It was like 2:30 went I crawled into bed. -Next morning Solvang - we been planning this for like 8 months. We had so much fun there! All the little shops and goodies. And that one weird scary resturant we went into just to check it out. Haha. They had a ton of junk and weird random crap around and in the place. It was all too much. We went in and this big heavy lady w/ some sort of cape jacket told us sternly, "this is how we do it here, we been doing for years. She looked like that scary lady from Poltergeist. We go in there, there's this old upright piano, weird junk laying around, life size dolls hanging from the wall BY THEIR NECKS that is. Wtf! Haha. Then there's this one family of mutes sitting at the table eating. They were so quiet and not talking to one another. The resturant was like that- you could hear a pin drop. Eerie kinda quiet, y'all. Everything was a dollar! I wish you were all there 'cause it's so hard to explain. Kate just nugged me to go, she put her hand on my back and she didn't have to say a word. I was out the door. We just laughed & laughed. I mean, who was cooking? I could just imagine who was back there. Eewwwww. We found The Red Viking, a perfect resturant and I will be going back there. The food was to die for. Yummy. So, we had fun there. We came home and her mom and dad were there. Her mom called us in the room to watch you tube videos, she is so cute & young at heart I swear! I had her watch some Kate Bush videos and Paula Cole. She wanted something "happy" she said. We watched America's most wanted while eating her Father's homemade chicken and fish tacos. Omg! He slaved for like 2 hours! Thanks so much! We all talked. Off to bed, I stared out of the window into the garden & flowers as I feel asleep. The next morning when I got up kate already left for work. She had to drive back up to Oakland @ 6am. I spent half the day there w/ her dad. He dropped me off at the train station. Hugs me goodbye and off I go... I was sad to leave. But I'll be back again. I know I will. Thanks Kate for having me and tell your parrents I love them! xo

I saw this lastnight on 60 Minutes and found it very very interesting. It had me glued to the TV.

A Visit To The Doomsday Vault

Scott Pelley Visits One Of The World's Most Unique Seed Banks

Travel: Svalbard

Photo Essay
The Global Crop Diversity Trust

(CBS) 60 Minutes is going to take you on a journey to the end of the earth to show you a place that might someday save humankind. It’s a bank built to last 10,000 years. But as correspondent Scott Pelley explains, it's not money or gold that’s on deposit. Currencies rise and fall with civilizations.

60 Minutes was there last month, when the world's most important assets were made safe from climate change and nuclear war, locked deep inside the doomsday vault.


Head towards the top of the planet, over the freezing Arctic Ocean, and you’ll a find a collection of ice-covered islands called "Svalbard," Norwegian for "cold coast."

The islands are due north of Europe, administered by Norway, and among the last bits of land before the North Pole.

Down on the water is the northernmost town in the world, Longyearbyen, with about 2,000 people. But polar bears outnumber the people, and reindeer outnumber everything. It's an otherworldly place, a twilight zone, where, sometimes, the sun never rises and the moon never sets. In the dead of winter, it was the last stop in the 30-year journey of American scientist Cary Fowler.

Fowler admits it's "a world away" from his native Tennessee.

Asked if he ever worried that the project wouldn't get this far, Fowler admits, "I was worrying all the time. But here we are."

From the outside, the vault looks like a concrete wedge pounded into a mountain. But as you walk through the door, you cross from a hostile wasteland into a safe house for humanity.

"Well, I've got to say, it looks like a doomsday vault," Pelley remarks.

"It probably is one. At least we think if there are any big problems on the outside, this is going to survive," Fowler says. "We built it to last as long as we could imagine. I don’t know what was in the minds of the people who built the pyramids. Maybe they were building to last forever too. But I can’t think of anything that’s built in our lifetime that’s been built with this kind of time horizon."

Inside, pipes provide additional refrigeration, despite the fact the vault is only several hundred miles from the North Pole. "We’re going freeze it even further," Fowler explains.

They freeze it colder than the permafrost, so that if the earth warms and the power goes out, the vault will stay frozen for another 25 years.


*Go to the site to read the rest of the article and see the breathtaking photos...

an old video from New Year's ...

omg!-haha, I found this just recently. It's from New Year's of 2006 into 2007. Yes, I am drunk. Yikes!

why do I always have dreams about the end of the world?

Had another end of the world dream this morning. It was real-like, so vivid and fucking scary as all hell. So. I guess it will be water that kills us all. Better than fire I guess.No I don't know what's gonna happen, when and if anything at all. The idea I have is that us humans will do ourselves in. Run out of supplies, water, food, gas, electric. The ice caps will melt, loads of animals, sea life and plants will become no more. The sun will make it too hot for any humans to survive and so on. That's how I think the end of the world would be. Scary thought isn't it?
Anyhow- the dream seemed so real-I woke up with my heart beating so fast! I know the dream was really long, but only remember parts of it. The first thing I remember is standing on some old man's back porch. This old man I saw on the weather channel a few days ago. He ws a sailor that survived Katrina. I was watching storms stories. Haha. So there we are on the back porch, shoulder level in water. I was standing there wondering why he was sitting at a table across from another gentleman, having a drink with his legs crossed. I was like "hellllo, flood!" I guess this sort of thing happened all the time? The water level dropped quickly before our eyes & everything was back to normal. How weird. Then the next part I remember standing w/ some other guys on a upper level somewhere, looking down at the freeway. I don't know who these guys were. Out of nowhere, these big 18 wheeler trucks come barreling down the freeway. With all their heavy loads still attached. We said "god, those idiots always drive too fast, wonder why their driving so fast?" Then we see all these cars racing down the freeway, some packed with families and supplies. We then really wondered what they were trying to get away from. All of a sudden I am on a train with about 80 people. We were going pretty slow, then the driver stepped on the gas and we were flying, going the fastest the train could go. It wasn't going fast enough. All of a sudden a few of us see this truck. It was like the van on Scooby doo. About 6 of us got into the van and took off. Before getting off the train we saw a huge humongous tidal wave, just a wall of water coming over the trees, as high as the sky and even taking the clouds with them. That's how high this wall of water was! Sometimes I can remember who I was with, others I can't. I think Ursula was there for a second & told me to stop worrying about leaving my shoes behind. Haha. I kid you not! But they are my fav. flip flops that I wear almost everyday, I love them, we have a bond! We do!
So, we get in this van, there's about 6 people and we speed away, leaving my fav. flip flops on the ground. I cried and reached out "wait, my flip flops!" I was so upset. They are like what linus' blanket is to him. You know. So I try to get over it because the end of the world is coming you know. So, we are trying to outbeat mother nature and we are all screaming and yelling "Go Go". The wave is coming closer and closer and the roar was eerie. I wish I could remember who else was in the van w/ me. Damn it. I remember foam from the wave being everywhere. The water came as close to our back tire!!! And we made it out alive!!! The sad thing was, we were the only survivers. I almost forgot- there was this cute cat that was on the train tracks that was panicing and crying out for help. I tried to snatch him up, but couldn't reach him. When we got in the van I asked the driver if we could go back and get him. We had no time. The wall of water was just over our heads. I remember crying for the cat. And in the end wondering if it made it. We were all surprised we out ran the wave, we were all in shock. Relieved, happy, sad, exhausted, spent and crying. We all just sat on the ground crying hard. It was so weird. So vivid. I wish I could remember more. There was more to the end. Hopefully I'll remember later. I'll come back. The intire world was flooded. Even the North pole. You couldn't see any buildings anymore. No Impire State building, No stature of Liberty, nothing in Paris either. It was one big under water city. One big vast, never ending Sea.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Sweet E.

Your words and the road just rolls out from behind me
What did you do Today Mr Sweet E.?
I think about you in dirty ways
As I stare out into the wild blue yonder.
Was I tragically underrated and ignored?
crooning and weeping in the falling rain
dreaming of the night
we sit side by side
outdoors on the stoop
under the old tree
Laced with glowing Latterns
and the Sea by your cottage
is mine to drown in.
You make me Restless and Melancholy,
it's so bittersweet.
So tragic, so awful.
Sweet E. with your sweet ease
what did you do Today?
I am planning to sit side by side
under that old beautiful tree
and the Sea View by your house and you
are mine all mine
to drown in.

August 21, 2005 (5-6pm)

Tahoe Blues

I take two showers
to make sure
I wash
that small town
off my skin.
Watch it go down
the drain.
Cold, cold, winter cold
up top of that Mountain
7,000 feet up.
Bingo & Carla
Monday through Thursday.
Jeff, jekyll and hyde-
will you think about me
when you clean out my
food from your fridge?
green beans..."oh raven"
Broccoli ..."oh raven"
Asparagus..."oh raven"
cottage chesse
Cranberry Juice
and Low fat milk...
"oh raven",
"I'll be thinking of you
Dear Raven and how
I did you wrong."

Pretty, but aloof

All the glass hammers
and Devil's advocates
and all those voices
between the threads
of that noose
around your neck.
Pretty, but aloof,
she watches through
As he kills
all her white horses
in the cold black night
The evil winds chase him away
Sorrow Swallows her whole
all she knows of...
dreaming on Maple Street
where The Sirens sing
of murder.
I'm stuck in a world
you can not see.

Raven Rogers
Lake Tahoe, CA.

Treats on the moon

6/17/04 9:24pm

Treats on the moon at midnight
tea for two loons
relaxing with the grooming snow monkeys
take warm beneath my cliffs
be the creature I want you to be
groom me, touch me, feel me.
treats on the moon at midnight
It's on me.

Why this egg, why this womb?

6/18/04 Friday 9pm

I knew the story
I remember it before I was born.
You didn't want me
so why let it be?
let me go somewhere else
with someone else
who waited years for me
cherished tears fall down
her hippi crows feet.
I will find you mama
next life time.
why was my egg inside you?
rather be underwater
caviar, eaten' alive quickly
than eaten' alive slowly like I have been.

Add secrets to the mountains


Add secrets to the mountains
underworld, you lie alone,
just untold, just undone.
you poor thing, you poor thing
all your life,
you poor thing.

Love me if you dare


Love me if you dare
follow the scent in the breeze
to my secret place
behind iron gates
I will appear
locked up inside
the cell in my brian
cancel all reservations
and let go of your preconcieved notions,
my little sparrow.
pomigrantes, pollywogs and me
you won't be unhappy
I'm after freedom,
After freedom
maybe you can help me?
come visit me in dreamtime
dandylion frenzee.
You think you're invisable,
but I see you.
chasing me through Appleton Estate
in the saddest rainstorm.
solitaire, solitude, eroticism.
obsessively delusional, I think not.
corner of lost dreams
and aborted hopes
left behind.
I don't even try anymore.
they could never see
they could never see
but you do-
watch it unfold
watch me come undone.
you journeyed to my dark shadows
without a second thought.
Take with me, that emotional stroll,
on my way to comitt homiside.
they deserved it, they deserved it!!!
wish you all were here
for this greatest show on earth.

I don't know what I was hoping for

The clouds were doing
a good job of hiding
the cocki sun.
I begged for these days
to come
I don't know what I was thinking
I hit the road all alone
your photo in hand
I headed for the hills,
I headed for you.
I don't know what I was hoping for
all I could do is watch
you from a far
lonely clouds drift on by
my only company now
are the magpies and trees.
I hear the creeking and moans
of the trees-
i don't know what I was hoping for.

omg! an old tori stori/blog I found today..

* I forgot all about this old site I had with a handful of journal entries in it. This was one of them. I don't know where that picture of me & tori is? How weird.*
[the blog entry says- Dec. 1, 2003]

Jay Leno and my lil' chat w/ Tori

I saw Tori tonight on Jay Leno. was happy
to see all my friends there and not so happy to see others that I
dislike. Anyways, I sat right behind the camera man and Tori did a
beautiful *winter* and then we waited outside for her to pull
up...and I feel so fucking stupid.

Tori: "Hiii, Raven,it's really good to see you, it's always good to
see you"

Raven: " It's good to see you too" (looking at her blouse,and then
thought later that she was probally thinking that I was staring at
her boobs as I said that!!!) I feel so dumb that I couldn't look her
in her eye. Usually I do, guess I was off that day?

**I wasn't planning on Talking to her at all and just wanted to
stand in the background and take photos. Didn't turnout like that.

then some small talk and chitter chatter...

I said to her "tonight was beautiful"...she smiled at me and said Thank
you, Thanks so much"

I said " Oh oh I have something for you and reached in my back jeans
packetpants and grabbed out that photo Tori and the stick where she
is giggling and has a big smile"

Tori, in her 4 inch thin thin heels jumps up and down once
and laughs and says "this is great"

and she gave me another hug and I asked to take a photo with her
and she says "of course" and we pose.

I think there was more, but I am running on 2 hours of sleep and have
a MAJOR migrane headache.

I'll tell you about the "Sickos" the next post, I'm at Suzanne's and
she's waiting to use her computer.

Thanks to Anna, Jessie and Mike...xoxo

For taking the time out to email me, text me and leave me a comment telling me how my ADP blog Inspired you to start writing your own (hey better late than never I say). How my blog made you cry! (omg! thanx Mike) and how you, Anna are teaching music in Manila and this was the first Tori tour you missed since '96 and it made you really sad and how you can live thru my blog now. Thank you Joe as well for texting me and letting me know you enjoyed reading them. It's makes me feel good that I can inspire people and that my blogs can bring you to tears (in a good way).
haha. It was a lot of hard work, took me a long time to write and stress getting the photos in their proper order and I really do appreciate the feedback.
The rest of you can fuck off...

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


Aidan Valentino Ryan born 03/10/2008-5:27pm.
20 inches, 6 pounds, 15oz.
I know he's beautiful and perfect! I love his name! I love you guys!
I'm sooo happy for you!

here's my hello to Aidan!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

12/16 -LOS ANGELES-THE LAST SHOW-SAD disappointment

So we get up & I remember him being very quiet & in a bad mood. I woke up in a really good mood & told him it would take 20 mins. for me to get ready. I didn't have much to do that morning. Didn't have to tweeze my eyebrows & paint my fingernails like I had to the morning before and my hair was coming out great! Took me like 5 min. to do ny hair really. Val would kill me if she knew that I didn't own a brush & that I rarely brush my hair. I'm serious. I never brush my hair, I just run my fingers thru it 'cause when I wake up in the morning it's always in place. So I already had out my make up & what I was going to wear & bring. I was ready in a jiffy. I bet he couldn't believe it! Then when I was ready he took his time. And I didn't keep saying to him "hurry up, hurry up" like he did to me the morning before. I was ready in a hurry & in a really good mood. He kept picking his nose and constantly rubbing his burnt lips the whole time he was here. It was making me sick! Even showed him some medicated lip balm to buy when we were @ Rite-aid. Sheeesh. His lips were so red. I asked him what was the matter & he told me that his nose was plugged up & that he was congested and constipated & that it was making him be in a bad mood. Ok, a little too much information. He was moody anyways & now on top of that extra moody. I'm thinking "great, here I am in a great mood & ready to go & he's all plugged up on both ends and in a crappy mood. He's gonna bring me down, ruin my mojo man! Haha. So, I'm ready & waiting on his moping ass. I understand you don't feel good, I truely do-but snap out of it man we got a tori concert to go to! I wanted to make the last meetngreet just to say buy to her & show her something that she wanted to see on my phone. So I wasn't in a real rush, but I wanted to get there on time. I didn't have to be right up there in front, just as long as I had about 3 mins. To hug her goodbye since she's leaving for so long, show her the photo on my phone which would have took 1 min. & finally get that quick last piccy. The "good" one you know.
Wouldn't have took more than 3-5 mins. So, I was set & just waiting on him. Figures the day I get ready fast he's taking his sweet daddy-loo time. We're out the door & I had just a few places to go, longs to get some of his piccys off his sd card, stop for coffee & bagels and Circuit City had 4GB sd cards on sale and wanted to get one. So, I'm the kind of person-when I'm in a hurry I run in & run out-no bullshiting around. So into longs we go, musta took like 5-7 mins., then we go across the street to starbucks to get me a coffee frap & a sesame bagel & what ever he wanted. I was so hungry that morning! So it's just right across the street, we get there & before I got out of the car I asked him what he wanted. He didn't seem too thrilled that we were getting bagels, but what is he ever thrilled about really? So, this is where it all goes wrong! Clear as day I ask him as I'm getting out of the car "WHAT DO YOU WANT"? He replied "I'm really not that hungry, just get me a large capuchino". I even asked "are you sure that's all you want"? He said "yeah" and nodded. I asked him if he wanted to come in w/ me & he said "no, I'm lazy & I'm comfortable." So, of course I pay for all of it, like I been paying for everything. I saw a 100 dollar bill in his wallet & he was wining like he was so broke! Here I spent thousands literally on this tour already. Preparing for it, new wardrobe, new haircut (don't ask how much I got ripped off for a hair cut & colour-you would never believe it), new luggage, flights, food, tix, what have you... So, anyhow I go in to Noah's bagels l get my toasted sesame bagel w/ cream cheese. Then go next door & get my frap on & his coffee. I come out, get in the car & he seems all pissed off like a crazy person or something. He said I got him a medium instead of a large. Well, excuse the fuck outta me, go in w/ your lazy ass & get it yourself next time you little bitch! So we go to the next place, to run in & grab my little roll on perfume @ my beach shop, which is just right down the street from starbucks. All the way there he is bitching & moaning " I said I was hungry, how can you think I wouldn't be hungry"? (Wow, well, let's see here: BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING EAT! Maybe that was a clue. He didn't eat @ the denny's after Santa Barbara, he didn't eat @ the other denny's after the Anaheim show. I always asked him "when do you eat"?) So, I said to him "you told me straight up that you weren't hungry & to get you a large coffee". He argued w/ me that he told me to get him a bagel. I asked him if he wanted the other half of mine, I'd be happy to give it to him. He said he didn't & that we would stop to get him something on the way (which I thought was fine). So, maybe I could get a Dr. Pepper too then! I'm about to run in the small shop real quick & he says "get your photos & get out of the car, I'm like thinking in my head, is this guy fucking nuts? Is he serious? He's kicking me out of the car OVER A FREAKIN' BAGEL PEOPLE!!!!! A BAGEL! This is how you treat a friend, telling her to get the fuck out of the car & leaving her stranded when you're in a hurry to get somewhere that's SO important, after all the shit I did for him in the past, over a fucking bagel! I was soooo beyond pissed. I asked him "are you serious, I said you could have half my bagel & at first you said you didn't want it, now you say you do, but you say you wanna stop on the way. Make up yor mind". I said "we're in a hurry, we gotta go". He said (AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS!) "Get out or I'm gonna call the police" LMAO. WHAT A FREAK! Are you for fucking real! Call the police, and what would you tell them? "She has to get out of my car because she didn't get me a bagel officer". What a jack ass loser if I ever saw one. On top of all of that, he's a liar! Who needs to be around a piece of shit like this the whole intire time he was @ my house I thought how sad it was he changed & wondered what happened to him & what a downer he is to hang around with. Bad vibes, bad energy. I remember even @ the Anaheim concert he was squishing us in, like my boobs were all smashed together, I'm thinking he needs to move. I ask him nicely if he could move down 2 inches, he's smashing Sheila into me. I'm not standing thru a concert like this. He just starred at me once again w/ that stupid face he makes and said "No". I said "why not"? He didn't answer, so I tried moving him myself & he stood there stiff as a board and wouldn't budge. What a fucking asshole of a creep. SO STUBBORN. What the hell difference would it make to him to move 2 fucking inches? Retard. Oh haha. Get this that reminds me, when we had to get gas he asked me to go in and pay and pump, that he didn't know how to? Wtf? He's like 26 or some shit! I asked him how come & he said in Costa Rica they do everything for you. So I guess he assumed he was coming over here to be pampered like a king or some shit & all this after he told me that he lives where there are still dirt roads w/ holes? Whateves! So, get out & learn. So I had to teach him this. All on top of this he drives like an old geezer, all this & in a hurry to see Tori. What things I go thru you have not a clue! So anyhow, back to the maddness. I just said "fine... I can't believe your doing this". Opened the back door & got my sweater & photos out. I guess I was in shock because I was speechless, people who know me well, knows I would have went off on his sorry ass & killed him w/ words. So, I walk into the shop, he pulls away, I didn't notice him leaving because survival instincts that I have to use way too often kicked in. I got instantly on the phone calling friends, "real friends". For a ride or at least part way. I called one idiot & she didn't answer as usual. I called a few more & they were already there or already on their way and most of them weren't going to leave until like an hour before the show. I texted Drew to see if there was infact a meetngreet, but I didn't get a reply until later that day. So, I'm thinking "great'. What else? I call the busline, I kid you not, as I'm put on hold, I purchase my perfume-haha-yes, all this & still the little shopper. I live here yes, so you would think I know my way to and around downtown LA, but I don't because I never go there. I have no need to. So I know Hollywood, Santa Monica, all the beaches & Valleys-but not LA. I live near Malibu. So, I get a route, call a friend and start walking towards the bus stop which was about a mile away. Good thing I'm an avid walker & walk fast. I was almost already to the bus stop when I finally got a hold of my friend. She came & got me, but guess what, I had realised this whole intire time of making these calls & checking online for stuff that my phone wasn't charged!!!!! The stupid outlet plug that I plugged it into overnight did not work for some reason. So here I'm thinking I'm stranded over here, trying to make calls & I got like 15% juice left. So I had to have my friend drive me back home, run in get my charger and take off. She drove me I would say maybe 1/4 or a little less than half-way. I then (GET THIS) have to jump on a bus that is almost an hour long ride, 50 mins. So I'm sitting there eating my COLD HARD bagel & I'm "ok" because I am still making good time FOR NOW. I get off & run down the longest escolater I think I ever seen, only to go down another one to a train I waited for to take me somewhere close to the venue. Nobody seemed to know where this fucking lame ass Nokia Theate was at, so I kept asking for The Stapels Center, 'cause I assume everybody would know where that was at. So this one lady tells me to get off at a certain stop, that when I get off there I would just go up the escolater & it is in walking distance. So it sounded about right. I get off that stop, go up 2 long ass escolaters, like running up them. I get up to street level and it's like a fucking ghost town. I see one homeless guy & ask him where The Stapels Center was & he didn't know. I try looking at this huge ass map they had up at the stop but nowhere did it read Nokia, Staples Center or Chick Hearn street (I remember Lisa telling me it was on this street). Now me hating sports w/ a passion I at least knew who Chick Hearn was, I even wrote him a letter when I was little. I use to love The Lakers, when they were good. Back when Magic, Abdul, Green, Scotty Pipin, etc. were on board. God, I can't believe I even remember their names. So, I knew who Chick Hearn was! But didn't know where the street was. I walked up the street, looked to my left & my right there was nobody around. I wasn't sure what to do. I was gonna ask a bus driver when out of nowhere walked by the little mexicain guy, must've been 4 feet tall! I finally knew, so I start walking. I have to admit, he told me a lot of info and different directions & talked super fast. I ran into another mexican lady & asked her, she said "yeah, I know where, follow me". So I go back down the elevater w/ her & get back on the trian, going the way I was headed in the first place, she told me that I had got off to early. That damn' bitch earlier told me to get off the wrong stop. I was so pissed! I was doing good time until all this shit crap happened!!! So GET THIS, I have to get off the redline train & get on some weird looking blue train I never been on before. And the way you find your way to get onto the train is retarded the way they built it. This cute little chinese couple were standing right there w/ me trying to figure out how to get on it w/ out jumping across the tracks. Out of nowhere these 3 mexican guys yell "over there, over there" in spanish & pointed to the stairs. So, we go up and twist around to another level, then to another flight of stairs, it's hard to describe how lame it was. Anyhow, so I get on & we sit there for like 8 mins. I'm looking & the time by this point & all worried. Then it let's me off in the middle of nowhere, yet another weird & retarded stop. Only one girl standing there I asked her where The Staples Center was @, bored & unamused she just said "over there" & pointed. So I cross the tracks into the cross walk & walk down the street. FINALLY I AM HERE AFTER ALL THAT CRAZINESS!!! I see The Staples Center & ask this black dude where The Nokia was, he just mummbled something & pointed. Gosh, what nice people they have here. Sheeeesh people, sorry I put you out of your way? Whateves I'm thinkin'. So I walk down the street, never being here before, I look up at the big buildings & spot it. I didn't quite know where I was going, or where the meetngreet would be! So I saw 2 girls sitting there & walked by them & asked "were you here waiting to talk to tori"! Or something like that? They answer "yeah, but I think you missed her, it just happened, she was there". So, I go & see for myself. As I was walkin' up, I see the pansy pussy mother fucker walking all gayly towards my direction, he sees me & starts to turn around in the other direction then turns back around & starts walking my direction again. I go right up to him & said "it wasn't cool what you did, that was so wrong, you don't strand your friend." He just shrugs his shoulders & said "yeah, I know but whatever you know" & walks away. Like nothing! All I went thru like it was no big deal! Right then & there I swear I wanted to use his face as a punching bag and wrap my hands around his throat! As he walked away I yelled "take your little faggot ass back to Costa Rica." (Note: I adore all my gay friends, but don't come off as a back stabbing pussy). So I turn back around & my friends were walking away like "we just came from a meetngreet". Not a good sign I'm saying to myself. Then I see Lisa sitting there up against the wall by her lonesome. She & others informed me that tori just went in, I missed her by 10 mins. Now, in my head I'm thinkin' "that sounds about right tho, I go thru all this hell just to have missed her by 10 mins." I was so upset inside, but never let on how insane it was! I tried telling some of my friends what happened, in short. Don't think they got it. They just had to be there or be in my shoes to understand what I was going thru. I was so pissed how the day went, but tried to put it aside & have a better evening & night.
So after that fiasco I try to forget about it. Standing on my left was a good friend Katey that I wanted to spend time w/ because she is so dear to me & I haven't see her for so long. Lisa's there, but took off somewhere? Noelle was on my right & I wanted to spend some time w/ her too. We were standing there talking & I see Angel & Jill talking to their new best friend Smitty. So strange to me, but I'm not going into all that crap here. That's a whole intire other story. Things are getting kinda gross and I go it's sleepy time. Perfect line at the time, because I was tired and grossed out! LOL. Let's just say I lost a lot of respect for certain people during this tour, and tori being one of them. Then again, I KNOW if she KNEW what I know-eh-things would be different & some peeps would be sent home packing. *there's several sea-secrets in me* On another level, wave length, mind set, radar screen and journey. "So are you with me or not I said." My leggs are on this path walking, driven to get there, not stop & spread them on the way. No need to. Sooooo, angel & jill walk up, hugs & junk. We chatted. All the while I was wondering what the hell she was wearing-it's freezing out here girl! We talked about LA. She doesn't like it. I told her I never come down here (sidenote: I can't believe I get lost so close to my own "hometown" & totally fine in other states & cities-haha-how weird is that?). She said she was going to move here, I remember her telling me this about 10 months ago. She doesn't want to anymore, but Jill is for school I guess. She kidded around that I could be Jill's new best friend. ;o) We talked about how jill chopped off Angel's hair when they were drunk. I don't remember much else. Me, katey and lisa had to go pee, I been holding forever. We all go across the street to some pub & go while Noelle checked the box office? So, we go in to these weird-ass bathrooms, come out & go walk around to look for something to eat. And I'm thinkin' I need my coffee first off. So we go into Starfucks & get coffee & I recharge my phone that desperately needed it. I get shot of exspresso & water. We all 4 sat & talked, it was nice being together again. I realised that katey, lisa and I (minus theresa-pink mohawk- that me & lisa spent time w/ in Oakland) were the same 4 girls travelling the Scarlet's Walk tour together, east coast/west coast/arizona/vegas/etc. thing. It was awesome. We took a few piccys. Me thinking we weren't finding any place to eat, I got up & bought some apple slices & caramel. Then as I sit down to eat it, the guy working there informed us that they were closing! Wff? I never heard of such a thing. Closing at 5:00? A starbucks? Whatever! So we leave & walk around-l don't remember, but some how katey's man appeared out of nowhere when we were standing on the street corner. Haha. Lol. Damn', all these cars & people appearing "out of nowhere" on tour. Lol. I better watch it, I need to get more sleep. I wouldn't even notice if tori walked right pass me. Lol. Very scary for somebody who is into detail. Green tea & crosswords raven. So, I think Lisa & Noelle go check the box office. I go w/ katey and her boyfriend to look for a resturant. We walked pretty far & we find a nice fancy pub/resturant sort of a place. Nice. I ate my apple slices & carmel, few fries-basically nibbled. Lisa called to find out where I was, I told her but I guess she didn't find the place or didn't want to come because she never showed up & never called back. My friend Peter (remember the one I mentioned earlier-I knew him for 8 years, lived not too far from me & finally met him, of all places in Oregon at the tori show) called me while I was there @ the resturant. He let me know he was here, he parked & was waiting for me infront of the venue. Awwwwweee, how sweet. I was so excited to go meet him again. I planned on sitting w/ him during the show. It would be a nice change & plus our very first show together? Hurrah! When I sit back & think about it, how the synchronicity of the universe works. I can't believe how magical it was meeting him for the first time finally and in Oregon, my first show of the tour & here we lived in the same city. Lovely. I waited until katey and her baby were done eating their big-ass fat burgers. I went to the restroom & this had to be the most loveliest bathroom I ever saw, prettier than that one back in Oakland @ that vegetarian resturant. I even had to take a photo in there. Haha. Hey, what can I say, I'm into the architecture of things. Off I go to leave to meet Peter. I was walking fast, it was brisk out & I couldn't wait to get to him. He called again while I was walking & was all "where are you?" I told him to start walking & we'd meet up w/ each other. So I'm walking in the crowd and then I see him, his cute face! We hug & walk back to the venue. It was pretty cold out, people were scattered out everywhere. I walk up to some peeps I know & they were acting stand offish & I didn't know why, but we've since straighted that out & it was a simple misunderstanding on their part. So all's cool now, but it sorta put me in a mood. I was introducing peter to all my friends & walking around chatting w/ all the peeps I know. Even tho I liked the big tv/scroll thingy w/ tori's 'shame' photo flashing on from time to time, I did not like the building, it was all huge & steal. For the person who loves & adores architect, this was a nightmare and left nothing to be desired. So, while talking w/ friends here & there, peter & I were asking around for tix. Danni & Karen snuck up behind me, I love them! I always feel better when their there. They give me that safe, warm fuzzy feeling. I've known them forever. Karen's my baby! So, I'm happy their there. I spot Noelle talking to 2 older good looking dudes-ha-go girl! Lisa pops in and out letting me know about box office tix, so nice she is always up on that shit! ;o).
Shelia & lisa show up & sheila is stuck on me like white on rice! She's so funny! Somehow smitty comes out & I don't know how I noticed, maybe by the cluster of people around him. Most of the "regulars" as people call them. Of course, always there like their trying to score crack or something. To watch them all, not just them, but some others is quite funny, sad & disgusting all at the same time. Sure I might go stand near where he's at, so do others-but I would never get all up in his face, straight ask for a tix unless it was like a desperate kinda last minute thing or rub up on him & pretend to be his fucking friend. That is pitiful & fucking the lowest. I seen things on this tour that I have never seen on past tours. It was shocking, disgusting, pathetic and some of this ruined my tour experience. I can talk for a lot of other people who said the same thing. It was selfishness that submerged the last part of this tour. It all seemed to start in Oakland & there on, but the Oakland shows & the last 2 LA shows were the icing on the cake. I had had it. And I'm too old to be playing these little immature games. I'll go else where, I'll be cashing out The funny thing is is that these new people come out of nowhere. Their getting front row & they haven't even been around for that long. Lame. I'm like where did these newbies come from? (Let me be clear-the same new ones) Well, I'm glad that I was there when it mattered. OG, along w/ my friends. We're all standing there & people are asking for tickets. I stand near, if he sees me & wants to give me tickets he'll walk up to me. So, I don't like being so aggressive & I don't wanna seem desperate. So I see some nice random people just ask him for tix & he turns them down, sometimes lying, saying that he didn't have any left, then I see him hand over tix to the same 'ole boring "regulars". Same old tired bullshit. There are a few that are nice & have talked w/ me throughout the years. But there are a handful that make my stomach turn & if given the chance, there are 3 I liked to torture (well, one I don't consider a reg. 'cause she isn't one-but none the less she needs to go bye bye). I don't like to talk shit & make a scene, I have kept my mouth shut throughout the years, but from what I saw this tour-I just have to. I *know* some things that I will keep to myself, but I think what happened w/ the seating chart way back in Milwalkee, rather a favor was done or not, was pretty pathtic on everybody's part. I know about some other things to that if it got out, my god-armageddon-but this blog is not the sort of place to get into all that. That's for another day ;o). And another day it will be.
Ok, I did get sidetracked-back to the tix scene. So we're all there- and I have to say what I heard & saw was beyond eeeewwww. Smitty thinks he has so much power w/ these tix in his hand, which is a joke in itself. Well, maybe he does for the obsessive rabbid fans. But the stuff that he was saying-"ooohh look eveybody wants to be my best friend, everybody wants to be on my jock, I'm the shit tonight" as he smoked his brown cigar/ciggerette or whatever that is. Probably a blunt. Just kidding. But, no it was sick. He said other things that I will not repeat here. I wonder why he has to act this way & wish that he didn't. Joel had way too much class do say that shit & he never needed to. I miss joel. That was one cool dude. Yeah, he could have his moments-but he was always cool to me. I'll *never* forget this: on Scarlet's Walk tour he came up to me at The Greek Theate in hollywood (well, Los Feliz) & him knowing that was my hometown (yes, I walked to the venue-that's how close I lived) he came up to me & said "you know what, you know what I like about you, all these years you never come up to me & ask me for tickets". I said "yeah". He then said "how many tickets do YOU want? I said "are you serious"? He said "yeah, how many you want". He looked at me & smiled. I counted the friends I wanted to give tix to in my head real quick and said "Is 6 too many"? He chuckled & took 'em out of his pocket & gave me the best front row center tixs @ my fav. venue (which is an outside venue surrounded by trees in walking distance to my house. Every concert echos in the hills there, I love it & so do all the little squirrels, listening to tori while they nibbles on their nuts, oh shit, you know acorns!) And there I was surrounded my the friends I got to hand pick and she did my SEASIDE in the prettiest seafoam green dress. Perfect! He got me ;o) joel got me! Sometimes I'm hard to figure out, but that dude got me, plus he was there w/ tori from the VERY beginning-so they had a history, that's what I love. Mr. Agent Orange, knew tori & all her little 'ears with feet' well. He gave everybody tix, the regulars., random people, the sub-groups that follow tori (you know the ones that do like a whole intire west or east coast, or 10-20 shows every tour), not the same people night after night, after night. He was fair and he was cool. Anyhow, what I'm trying to say here is that things have changed and that scene outside The Nokia was a fucking disgrace to say the least. So, the same people got the same seats as usual. I went to go sit down & everybody was talking about how sickneen it was as they were still watching it all go done. Everybody was shaking their heads. We all know. Take a big step back & look @ the big picture and no I'm not talkin' about the song. So he left I guess, I didn't see him leave. The crowd dissapaited. Talking & walking & asking for tix here & there. Sometime after that Joe & his mama showed up & that made me happy. His mom was wearing a cute Santa hat! Awe. He took some piccys of us infront of that tori amos scroll. Later on-we're just standing in a group by the box office & Nina comes up w/ a handful of tix, "all crappy ones" she said. I didn't care-I care about getting me & my friend Peter in the show & if it's for free that's even better. By the end of the tour, I had to watch it. I can not believe I spent literally thousands of $$$. Well, I have everything now, set & ready to go for the next concert trail, whom ever that might be. Hanson, haha-just kidding, I'm thinking Regina Spektor, Fiona or Kate Nash? Who knows.
So, thanks to Nina (neeners, which I like to call her, but she probably doesn't like it- I don't know, she hasn't said anything yet-lol). I just remembered Nina spending the night @ my house like 3 years ago, wow! And her tripping over my neat-freak ways, haha). I really like the way nina doesn't brag & boast when she gets front row. Some of those clowns like to throw it in your face. I say "It's time to grow up now, get that pacifier out of your mouth & your head out your ass". So, peter & I got tix, so did a couple other peeps. We waited by the box office because my other friends were. They had tix, but were trying to get better seats. Danni kept checking in over & over & over. Lol. If he got a better seat, which he had 4th row already, he wanted to give Karen that one. Lisa decided to go in, she had a great pit seat (Ursula's seat-which ursula was sick & couldn't make it & had worked out for lisa to sit there, poor ursula got so sick-your presence was really missed!) Jim & Sammy J finally scored like 3rd row pit @ the last minute, after a funny game of cat & mouse at the box office. These people were looking @ us like we were all crazy. Haha. So we all go in after awhile, I was thrilled to be finally sitting with Peter, it was going to be so cool! I walk in-don't remember much about the lobby, but bright blue pillars and rude staff members. Think they even had metal detectors-how sad. I couldn't bring in my bombs and guns that I usually bring into the concerts that I attend. I was kinda set-off & disheartened. Whateves!
Next time! So we go in & I tell peter to just follow my lead, and he's all keen because he was stoked that I got us in the show for free. I told him I would and I did. So... I walk in just headed towards where I wanted to sit and I see of all people Johnny (tori's tour manager/friend) sitting there by Mark's soundboard. I been telling people that I missed his presence on tour, where did he go, I don't see him anymore". And there he was, yippee! Johnny & I have talked throughout the years and it was really nice to see him there. I went up to where he was sitting & I said "hi", gave him a hug & asked him where he'd been hiding & that I missed him & wondered where he went to. I told him it was good to see him and then walked off, peter following. We took 2 seats on the aisle that were "ok" seats. Not too far, not so close. But they were alright. And they were even more alright after that sucky setlist. I wouldn't care to be so close for this show. I thought this show was going to be something special & it turned out to be the worst show of the intire trip, well, really of any tori show I seen actually. Very disappointing, but we'll get into the show in a bit. So, we take our seats-and even tho that place was huge, I can still see all my friends sitting around. Funny-during the show-katey was sitting across from me, 2 rows down, in a aisle seat & she didn't know it-once she started taking pictures I said "no pictures young lady" in a mean stearn tone & scared her shitless, she all put her camera down real fast & turned around & saw it was me! Ha sucka! Love you katey bebe! I love playing tricks on my friends-and my not so friends-like slipping the blade in the marmalade well...
So anywho, I'm glad me & peter got to sit together the intire night, in aisle seats and not get moved. ;o). I had a rough day, so I was curious how the show would be & hoping it would put me in a better mood. It failed to do so. 12/16/07-Dec. 16 Los Angeles, CA. Nokia Theatre: First off, before I get to the set list I have to say- I hate this ghetto Nokia Theatre, everybody bragged about it being new & being the best place to see a show. Bullshit. The place is way to big, doesn't have that old time feel to it, no history, I felt like I was in a big steal spaceship-The staff were rude, aggressive assholes that pushed, cussed, spit when they talk, put their flashlights in your face and walk up & down the aisles all fucking night long, like every 5 minutes, distracting me and taking away from the show experience. The building & the people suck. That lame-ass staff better realise that people rush @ concerts, get use to it mother fuckers or get knocked on your ass! Stay the hell out of the way of rabbid tori fans (haha) or you're go flying. "Stay out of our garrrrden". We'll force-feed you Datura. ;o). --Ok, on to the show:
The only good thing about this show was my babe Izzy started it, 'Springtime of his voodoo', Pip's little temper tantrum about the writers, and 'Amber Waves' (hey, at least it was something new to listen to! & the song came out in her hometown (well, The Valley, but close enough) -besides I like this song-well, parts of it anyhow-there are some really good lines in this song-like: "he says he has a healing machine that glows in the dark, glows in the dark/she said there's not a lot of me left anymore/just leave it alone"-- "so I went by-'cause I had the time-tell the Northern lights to keep shining-they told me to tell you their waaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvvvvvving". Besides that she did nothing different, mostly same mundane set list as before. I do realsie that tori doesn't make the setlists according to the people that travel & see many shows, but shit! Give us something different-even the people that come to just one show would like to hear something rare and surprising. Did 'Dragon' go take a nap and was 'Honey' hiding in the 'Graveyard' or what? Another weird thing I noticed: tori hardly spoke this night or said goodbye?

Just a little hand wave & off she went. And oddly my video was fine all tour long, then I noticed when she & the band did their thing that they do together it went all completly blurry, and at that point I was near the pit- it was eerie-I tried to adjust it, no good. I remember saying underneath my breath "what a way to end a tour, it's the best way to describe it-it was all a blur". Another thing I noticed-(detail driven virgo, sorry) after 'Hey Jupiter' tori did try to say something really sweet & endearing (you can tell by the look on her face) into the mic, like to say goodbye to us all, but her stupid husband turned the mic off too soon. I have it on video. Thanks Mark! Fire him tori! Just kidding. I love the family atmosphere really. She did seem really sad when walking away from the keyboards to john as they went off stage together, it was cute, so sweet how she walked straight to john real fast like for support, she didn't want to walk off stage alone. He looked right at her face and put his arm around her & hugged her as they went behind the curtains. Such a finale goodbye feeling. When I watch those last few seconds of the video it makes me sad. Then it makes me think back to all the previous tours & get all nostalgic. "I was here, I was here". "How did it go so fast"? And that was it-
That was it-just like that-just like nothing happened. That was the end of my little tori world with my huge tori family, I don't care-rather good or bad-we are all there for the same reason-because of one tiny woman and all her girls. We have that one thing in common. Although I wish some things were different in this tori world I know I have all these memories. And as we all spread to the four winds and we all go our seperate ways I know we'll all find each other again, in the same places, with the same faces, in our little tori world to make new memories for all of us to remember 'till we're all old in rocking chairs, telling little ones w/ excited eyes "how there once was a piano & a redheaded girl that were best friends that I followed". Now, I like the sound of that. ;o). Don't you? -
The lights went on and I know somewhere behind that curtain I'm sure a tear was shed. The lights come back on & I'm just looking around like everybody else was. Some people seem fine & on their merry litte way. Others SEEM fine, but I can tell their playin' it off. Some are sad. I turn around to see nina crying pretty good, I hugged her & told her it was ok, she said "I know" as tears rolled down her face. Awwwe I felt so bad. I think I was like that after Choirgirl. Danni kept yelling "anybody wearing a red coat (the rude staff) sucks & can all fuck off". He's right, they were rude to everybody. We were hanging & talking until the staff pushed us out. It's like nobody wants to leave the piano :o(. We all walked up slowly. John was standing there & hugged me. Nikki blew me a kiss, but I went into hug her. Her helping me out w/ that tix was cool. I would have done the same too. We go out to the lobby where a lot of people were just standing around. Me & my friends take some piccys, sammy j, suzanne, peter, karen, danni, shelia, etc./if you think I took a lot of pictures, I'm actually upset because I think I didn't take enough. Well, it is what it is. Glad I got what I did. Wish I wasn't so "relaxed" w/ the concert shots, I didn't even really try & wish I did. But that means I focussed more on the music. So...
I'm so glad I got to spend the intire evening & night w/ my long time friend Peter and show him how it's done! Haha. Oh oh yeah, before I forget, I forgot to mention-he was right behind me during the code red rush & didn't skip a beat. He's fantasic! I saw nina sitting on the floor still crying, but felt better when I saw nikki down there w/ her talking to her. Some of us say our goodbyes right there & then. Some of us will save our goodbyes after our end of tour dinner. Which I sadly missed. I went outside & it was eerie how qucikly everybody left. They all probably went home to cry in their pillow over the setlist. Just joking. So, most everybody was gone. As the staff were standing there, we were talking out loud how rude they were & how I couldn't believe how they had a metal detector. So, peter & I walk out w/ Danni & karen. I think danni recorded me giving a end of tour speech, that will most likely never see the light of day if I can help it. Haha. So hugs were in order. Danni cracks me up w/ the things he says. "Oh raven you say that every tour". ;o) He wants me to be PC! It ain't happening! LOL.

Karen & Danni leave @ some point, I'm not sure , I don't remember how or when? The place was a ghost town...But as I walked around the corner to my pleasant surprise it there was Val & her friends. Yah! She grabbed my hair and started having a conversation w/ it as she petted it. Haha. We chatted & she locked in my digits in her phone & we hugged goodbye. As I was walking away she told me to make sure my hair gets it's beauty sleep. Lol. Love you Val. (and it was fun having that late night text chat w/ you ;o) and it was fun texting you all during this trip, my eyes almost popped out of their sockets when I saw that I went over my text messages-get this-by 1,204-haha-like is that possible?-good times=big bill!).
-The next thing that happened is personal & will not dicuss. It was tramatic for me. "Thought we'd be flying-maybe not this time"/ Let go in small doses... Or better yet make me a day. Maybe I don't wanna go to where you're not, and so... But I can't stop what's coming, can't stop what is on it's way-and I see it coming- and it terrifies me!!! -this quiet siege
I've got your mind & you got mine... I am piecing a potion to combat your/this poison. Soul-trading and I sober with the witching hour-me and my deals w/ the universe and something about that open road-Tori foxed me in her grove- honey-sugar and molasses, pass the apple orchid, thru the solar fields and code red starring at me. Girl you foxed me in your grove...Still, What's it gonna take? She thought I was sleeping when I got to the pretty sea-but I just watch her die with my little lie. As fast as you can-because between cottonballs & xylophones I'm getting old. So keep that light on & that photograph beneath your raincoat. I will fox you in my grove. Still...what's it gonna take? I got me some horses to ride on, to ride on-send this message to T. -
After this life-changing moment-or rude awakening-I take off- It's never been so clear. She's gone. In so many ways. Don't think I'll be going as fast as I came... and I didn't pysically-but otherwise I was far gone, I been gone for miles now without looking back. Thank god that nobody saw, it was just me & peter-she didn't even see. Don't think she would even if she did. -I take off & peter & I walk about a mile to his car that was parked under a bridge. By the time I get to the resturant to have the farewell dinner, everyone was outside in front saying their goodbyes. I thought "great, a perfect way to end a shitty tour"... As in, things didn't turn out like I had planned. I've loved pass tours, this one was different. Not sayin' it was all bad, but stil... come on.
So, I get out of the car & say goodbye, give my hugs and kisses and best reguards. Weird that I wasn't even teary-eyed at all like I use to be in the past. Nothing. This Numbness.
It all happened so fast, my little west coast roadtrip flew by way too fast. So, we all get in seprate cars in the cold, quiet, still night. Ghost town really, just us. Eerrie. We all went different ways. I wanted to drive pass the street where the venue was just because. ;o)
On the way we pass jim & lisa getting into their car that was parked by the venue and I give them a wave. Bye sad. Then as soon as we got back to that little side street by the venue, I saw tiny tori getting into the white SUV, saw her little leggs and that was it. the last I'll ever see of tori again? And it was her leggs. Haha. I don't know. Am I driven??
So that was it, we were the only car out on the streets, can't believe such a place that has hundreds of people walking around between the venue & the staples center just hours before could become so still and desolate so quickly. Just like nothing happened.
-so we get on the freeway and peter started to drive me home. Criminy-crickets and then it kicked in. It all ended in so quickly & I didn't get to properly say goodbye to my peeps & it just sucked. It was late, I was cold and tired. 2:15am, I called a friend to see where she was & where she went to go eat after the show. She really helped me out and I'll always remember that! Thank you. She always knows what to say. Sometimes she may not understand how I feel, but she has a huge heart and a way with words. We somehow got on the subject of christmas and she offered to spend it together. I was crying because everything has changed, tour wise and I was so pissed-I since have cooled off and settled down, but my god-if I wrote my blog that night-what a different kind of review & experience you'd be reading right now!! I took my "last tour photo" in his car. I big flip-off. That's how I felt/and partly still feel...
* I was under-prepared for this tour even tho. I knew it was coming. I was undecisive if I was going or not, went out on a limb.
I really didn't make any plans w/ anybody. Just sorta made it up as I went along...
For the most part I was pretty disappointed in the latest tori tour/10 show/roadtrip I took in general. When will I learn to stop making plans because nothing ever works out as I plan it. This time not even remotely close.
Tori seemed tired by the time she got to us on the West Coast. She had low energy except for a few songs here and thee. At times even looking fatigued. I know she's human, but if you don't think you can hold out for so long then don't make so many dates and this huge ass world tour. I love T. -you know I do, I am just pointing out what I saw & how I feel and that's how you give 'proper review'! By not thinking the artist farts gold-but pure honesty. I know, some people can't take it. Oh well. Not my problem. She had no passion, like she was forcing herself to sing. I don't blame her, being bored w/ the same set-list night after night. There were times I strained to hear tori. Again, another tour where the bass overpowered her (sometimes). I was sad to notice that at times her piano was muffled.
The big deal to me: The Setlists: very predictable and uninspired. She has a huge catolog of songs, why play the same songs over & over? I don't get it? She didn't even play half the songs on the new album & isn't that what this tour is all about "promoting the new album"? What happened to 'Dragon', 'Fathers' son', 'Dark side of the sun' 'Velvet Revolution', etc... -even 'Programmable Soda & I would have loved to hear 'My posse can do'- I mean, what, they are only like 4-5 minute songs. I/we missed 'Graveyard', 'Honey', 'Frog on my toe', 'Here in my head', 'Iieee', 'Icicle', 'Pandora', 'Mary's of the Sea' and my god 'Apolo's Frock'. She didn't even do 'Me & a gun' -Pip in Anaheim. LA-the place where it all happened-you would think so- I was curious to see what it looked like. Not sure how I feel about that whole thing. We didn't even get 'River' (last show-christmas song-something new and different and surprising)-guess not. Strange. There's nothing worst than regurgitated setlists. I know some people get mad when other people complain about this-which I don't understand? It's my opinion, to each it's own. At least I'm honest, not delusional and thinking that everything tori does is just so perfect pretty peachy and right. Not! That's with everybody honey. There's the pros and cons to everything in life. And what's the deal about not talking to the audience? I miss that "give & take" interacton w/ the crowd. Even the last night of the tour, she said like 5 words, a quick little wave & off she went. It was sad, sad as in WTF happend?
I know things change/changed/changing, but wow. "Afraid we've been changin' in a way I wasn't lovin'" NO DOUBT-are you kidding?
This tour felt cold, rushed and not as fun as they use to be. Although not all of it was bad & awful, still...I was just shocked & taken back.
Tori seemed like this machine. This money-hungry promoting machine. A sony tool. Are all these Dvd's, bootlegs, vip packages to tide her over for the 4 year break or what? $$$
I am just wondering & thinking out loud here.
Hope all this was worth it. The DVD better be good and not like the WTSF video, which I don't even own. I saw it at a friends house when it first came out & I threw it in the trash-he didn't mind. He dug it back out as we were laughing. Good times, good times. I should probably go buy it now that it is probably on sale. From what I saw of it being film-nothing special. I sure do miss just that cute red haired girl & her piano. No wigs, no glam diva shit- I dare you to come out w/ overalls & a flowered thermal top underneath. The hair a hot mess & just come out & fucking paunce. I want that cross-eyed tori drooling as she belts out father fucking lucifer. Ok, I know I'm living in the past-sometimes that can be nice. I understand things change people! But come on here! I'll even take a pretty flowing gown from Scarlet's Walk w/ a ribbon in her hair doing 'Crazy'. I just , I just don't know... The Merch has been sucking for 2 tours now, the tori tour family atmosphere has gone...been gone for miles now... Like I said before & I'll say it once more: I miss Marcel, joel. The Dent (you got to admit that Mike Why is the bomb! We're friends & still talk-he says "Hi by the way") I loved The Dent-they always posted your concert reviews, rather good or bad. They were fair & didn't believe in censorship and ass kissing. This Undented bullshit, they won't post your review unless it's "ahhh tori pissed a river of gold tonight on stage and did cornflake girl 5 times over and even did that tongue rolling thing it was like nothing I ever seen before, she 100% perfect-she can do no wrong". It's pathetic you can't state the good, the bad and the ulgy. I wrote up quite a short and sweet review that was mostly all "rave reviews", and they didn't post it, as they didn't post a handful of my friend's reviews either & I'm the meanest outta that bunch ok! So, goes to show how they like to put the tape across your mouth, but foam can be dangerous.
It's pretty lame. The tori world has come to this? Oh and let's not forget the 2 faced idiots that fester & linger @ her shows. The vultures. The arrogant, obnoxious, child-like dictaters! We can't forget them can we! Of course not because their selfishly oblivious to the fact that their ruining others tour experiences. People say 'oh just ignore them" yeah rightfully so!, but it's kinda hard when their so loud and "right in your face". Their egos are larger than their common sence tragically. Their tempermental sociopaths that say "hi" to you one day & all friendly then the next day it's like-walk right pass me w/out saying hi and pretend you don't see me". Whew.
What weirdos! They ease-drop on your conversations w/ tori @ meetngreets. They fucking piss people off then play it off like-"but what did I do". Please. Can we say passive agressive. Their twisted, manipulative, conniving and have got to go. Get a real life!
Do you have your own passions or do you live thru tori's. Such draining leaches. Thet are never gonna "get there" so give it up already. Geez, just like tor says "you've got to know when it's time to turn the page". It really is to this point. Their so disrespectful and unpleasant to look at or be around. I'm talking about some of them, not all. The good ones chill-the uglies, you know who you are. They make REAL tori fans look bad. They are an embarrassment when I am bringing a "new ewf" to a show, or someone's mother-and they look over & see these animals and sluts acting up & I watch them get this look on their face, and it's a puzzled one and then I have to interrupt their "what's that?" comment by saying "oh their not all like that, please don't get that impression" as I pull them away. And then have my other friends reassure them "tell her/him their not all like this". It's truely sad & pitiful. I been there since the beginning. I have seen more shows than some of them, but I'm not a forceful crazy bitch as most of them are. You don't need to be. I would NEVER want to be clumped in w/ them. Somebody came up to me this tour and when talking she used the term "a regular" to describe me. I had to pause and correct her, after saying eewwww. "No honey-I'm an OG (old school) not a regular, there is a big difference." And there is! I would never want to be looked at or associated w/ that kind of sickneen behavior. I refuse to label myself one of them. With the way they treat their "fellow tori fans"-calling them randys (as in random). That's how you treat other people who are there for the same reason you are there for. Who gave you these rights? Because their nothing but wrong. Grow up! Grow a pair and realise there is more things out there to worry about then "how cool you think you are when you put other people down", yeah you might get a quick laugh-but when all is said & done-you're just standing there looking like an ass. One big asshole. That's how you'll be remember in this whole tori scene. One big selfish asshole that helped no one out but yourself. You don't understand the essence of tori at all-and don't tell me you do-because this goes against everything she stands for. Then again, tori herself has turned into the very one thing she said she would never Who knows. I know one thing FOR SURE- Tori is getting quite a snow job from a few. It's that two-faced, multi-personality thing again. Yeah, sure she knows who she's giving tix to retard, BUT she doesn't know the real you or how you treat others like shit. That's the whole point dumb asses. Manipulative nasty sluts-that are not even nice to look at! Hollycrap! No eye candy here! Tori shows are supossed to be about musicianship, storytelling, emotion and being surrounded by like-minded people, not this pathetic cry for attention. And the numbers keep growing. Things are sorta meaningless and lost now and if people can't see the difference then your blind, in denial, or BOTH!
Like I said before, when you have to look down @ your ticket to make sure it was infact a Tori Amos concert you were attending, that's pretty fucking sad and that's saying a lot.
I wish Tori knew where her real fanbase was. The hardcore toriphiles, the ewf crowd. The people that are actually there for THE MUSIC. Remember we're not all nineteen, bisexual-curious girls, trying to smoke, be bad ass w/ a bad red-dye job. Not sayin' there is anything wrong w/ young fans-it's great to keep it going-passed on thru to the next, but I think you get my ponit. EVERY TOUR- we see it. The girls get their attention and disappear. It's sad & pathetic. Some people are there because music is their life! - and this crap w/ that little piece of paper that will more then likely determine if you're gonna have a good time or not-that little tix you hold on for dear life. Lol. Now Tori- w/ all the snow jobs and blow jobs it's hard not to notice. I guess t. assumes she's giving them to the right people, but some of who she considers to be the right people are among the worst. Seriously. And we all know this. Then some of these peeps will turn around & talk shit about her behind her back.
Smitty is disgusting & rude, gets off on his little power trip as if he matters. Telling girls to light his ciggerette for him or else their not getiing tix. Asking girls "where's my kiss" when he feels he deserves it for giving them tix. In Santa Barbara I saw his gross ass trying to pick up on these 2 girls (which were muts) and trying to get them to go w/ him. WTF? They were trying to walk away & he kept following them. He's clueless & hard up. He'll take anything I guess. The "sike" thing is immature too. Where he goes up to you, takes out the stack of tix & acts like he's going to give you one & then walks away. He's done that to a few people I know and myself. The worst-when he says he'll give you one & then doesn't it's all his little games. But you can't fuck w/ this jedi mind trick playin' girl-'cause "I'm not a girl who misses much". I see everything. I am the eyes & ears of this institution! (The Breakfast Club-sorry I just had to do it) I know a lot, but play it off like I don't, everythings cool. A breeze. His "hands on approach" needs to go. He doesn't need to be touching on girls & they don't need to be touching on him! He hasn't been there, he doesn't even know what's going on. I know I was here long before he was...just sayin'. Giving tix to the same people every single night that pretend to be broke & 'tori it would really help us out" bullshit. Rather you gave money to RAINN or not, it's just not right. Bribe your way in. That's it. Sickneen. Appauling. Sad.
Like I said if tori knew what a cunt
you truely are you wouldn't be in that seat or who knows, in any seat? I become more disillusioned everyday where my tori is concerned. ::sigh:: on account of those rattlesnakes, as my friend Ursula so eloquently put it "...And don't let the often medicore setlists and preferential treatmaent by smitty fool you into thinking we had anything but a wonderful time." Ahhhhhhhh, what a breathe of fresh air. Couldn't have said it better.

Highlights for me:

• 'Space Dog' w/ my beautiful improv, 'Father Lucifer', and 'Little Amsterdam' (tori's soul knows) & just being upclose for it in Arizona.

• 'I'm a believer' in Seattle & just rocking out.

• 'Beulah Land' for my first show & getting my fav. doll Izzy in Oregon.

• 'Take me with' you in Anaheim.

• My Isabel moment, during a show coming down the stairs in Oakland (magical). Sometimes I love myself best alone.

• 'The Beekeeper', 'Power of orange knickers', 'A Sorta fairytale', 'Siren' (songs I requested-played all in one night).

• CALS first Oakland show (my #1 fav. song).

• My 'Parasol' finally played in Santa Barbara (I asked for this personally).

• Most of that Anaheim show- 'Liquid diamonds', 'Take me with you', 'Pretty good year' and 'Suede'-which I been dying to hear all tour!)

• Pip's screaming rant about the writers in LA.
(Fucking writer's cut my LOST episodes in half!)

• The drive from Oregon to Seattle, the drive from Oakland to Arizona and the drive from San Deigo to Santa Barbara.

•That tasty breakfast buritto in San Deigo! Omg! The bomb bitches!

• That piece of pizza & strolling the berkley streets w/ Joe & Ursula!

• Meeting Dai, seeing Jermone again, seeing Theresa again, spending time w/ joe & his mom, seeing Karen & Danni again, Katey, Drew & Kayla, Shelia, Lisa, just everybody I missed.

• Time spent with friends. :o)

• Best moment:
Jim, Lisa & me in the car on the way to an Oakland show-
Jim: So, I'm going to Hawaii, I'm stoked, I can't wait to swim in the water.
Raven: Better watch out for penis fish.
Jim: LOL
Lisa: LOL
Jim: Penis fish? What the hell is that?
Raven: Haven't you heard?
Jim: (not taking me serious) laughs.
Raven: It goes up your penis hole and lives there all happy.
Jim: Fuck that I'm wearing a condom when I swim. I don't want no penis fish.
Raven: Wear 3!
Jim: haha LOL
Lisa: haha LOL
Raven: haha LOL
Love it! Good times!
(Note: Jim's laugh is very contagious, it is so awesome-if there were ever an award for the best laugh for sure he'd get first place and go down in the record books and have seminars teaching people how to laugh like him). ;o)

So theres my review/seven weeks later/ I warned you to take a nap before reading, didn't I? Thought I was kidding? Believe it or not I left a lot out. Some things are best left unsaid. For now.

¤ Tour photos are in the photo section ¤
(imo: I didn't take nearly enough photos as I wanted to. It's upsetting & here I have this great new camera. I wish I would have put effort into the concert shots & wish I would have got 4GB sd cards so I could record more)
-I'm just full of wish ain't I!-

* I would like to thank Mark for all the hard work & time making me the intire bootleg collection, photos and artwork covers included. You have no idea how I felt when opening my door on Christmas eve, sick w/ a fever & seeing this big box w/ my name on it! Beautiful set, neatly packed-first thought-this guy has OCD and I love it! Thank you so much Mark! xox

~i'm still glad I went

"Afraid we've been changin' in a way I wasn't lovin'"...

It is what it is.

-Written by Raven Rogers
from her blackberry!