you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Wednesday, March 5, 2008


So we get up way too early, but samantha wanted/needed to talk to tori about getting an interview for her docramentry. Even tho people move once you have spoken w/ tori , so others behind you move up, I totally understand the urgency. She just wanted to make sure. I knew they probably wouldn't stop to eat or get coffee so I was smart & on my way out I saw a fruit bowl & grabbed a bananna & green apple. Good thing I did. I ended up eating the bananna & that apple, haha, well it ended up keeping me company on the rest of the trip & I ended up eating it @ home (for the Ritz Carlton that was a gross apple). I was tired the intire way. I didn't even bother doing my hair or make up. I tried to sleep but couldn't. I dozed off for like 20 mintues (that was weird-you know I'm really tired if that happens). So, I'm like all delirious. I was texting friends back & fourth almost the whole way. The drive was nice if I wasn't so tired. I love being on the road. We, at some point stopped to get gas & sam & jim said they were going to get their food & Del Taco, so I stayed in the car, there was no reason for me to get out because del taco had a drive-thru. But jim & sam came back w/ their food from Carl's Jr. So, I ended up having to get out of the car when we drove across to del taco instead of going thru the drive-thru & I tell ya, I have never been that tired & achey in my life-so any small move felt like a huge one. I get out of the car all pissed off & nobody seems to understand why. Ummmm ok... I come back w/ my crappy fast food, knowing that they were most likely talking shit. Who cares? On we go to San Deigo. We seemed to have took the longer way. So jim gets on the right track & finally we get there. One of my fav. venues I had to smile when we drive up to it. Copley sweetheart, oh how I missed you darling. We park on that crazy hill & I got out & got my make up bag & for any other reason than insanity or sleep deprivation, I chose the ugliest fucking blouse/dress top thingy over the few outfits I brought up w/ me to the fancy bathroom in that hotel next to the venue. What the hell was I even thinking bringing that ugly thing w/ me on the trip anyhow. I will never live this down. So mad at myself. Here I wanted to wear my black top & hair down. But instead this crap & hair up in a bun! I couldn't wear the same outfit as the day before in Arizona... So...
I get ready in the bathroom and was surprised how decent I looked for getting only 2 hrs. of sleep! I then come down to the doorman & asked him where I could get some coffee & something healthy to eat. He points me the way and I go walkin'. I find a starbucks on the corner & get my frapp. on. I then see a little organic place across the street, so after putting Equal in my coffee (sorry lisa-you're right, I been thinkin' I should change to Splenda!) I walk across the street and to my dismay I see someone I thought I would never see again. And what the hell was he doing in San deigo, in that resturant I was walking past and at that same time! Fucking nuts. 'Would have guessed anyone but you'. It was already too late to turn around, I don't think he saw me anyways. I'm thinkin'? It was Ricky!!! (Little Ricky)-now if any of you know the situation, as I think few know, it was a 'OMG, I can't believe this' moment. It was icky for me & very uncomfortable. He was eating lunch w/ his mother. Anyhow, I said 'what luck'. I go get my sesame bagel & on the way out I have to pass him again, I turned my head & put on my sunglasses. Haha. All traumatized I show up to where my friends & others were waiting for the meetngreet. Lisa, Sam, jim, ursula, char & others. I take a few piccys & chit chat. After a good while I stand up & kelly does w/ me. Again, I didn't see tori come out, all I hear is the collective quiet 'ohhhhhh's'. Haha. So I had asked my friends to take piccys while were talkin', visa versa. So I let everyone go first, I mean ursula & char were there first and sam. But I let the others go before me. I take piccys of char & tori talking, then ursula, then sam, then jim, then kelly. I Just kept snapping away. Then tori gets to me & we're talking. I told tori that: 'I have so much to say that when I see you I end up saying nothing at all'. Haha. She laughed, took my hand & said 'I know, but I can see it in your eyes'. I go 'what' because something fell beside me & we both look down. She repeated herself. I go 'oh' like unamused (I swear it is funny when ever I think about it, but I think I was just not clear-headed from lack of sleep). Then we talked some more (not tellin') & I asked her a question & she didn't seem to know what I was talking about, but I realise now that I didn't explain to well (tired). But I know she would have if I would have gaven her more detail. She just kept looking at my funny lip-shape. I remember her really focusing on my lips & face. She's so funny. It was that 'oh I'm being timed again, hurry up & talk' feeling again. Damn' me. Damn' time. My hand was even doing that 'hurry up motion'. My god. She knows tho I feel that way, that a lot of people feel that way. She must. Hopefully. Then I thanked her for playing 'The Beekeeper' for my G'pa that died not long before tour. And omg, right now while writing this I realise we talked little after that, but I have no idea, I don't remember. How sad is that? Anyhow this time I wanted to take our picture myself, so I did. I don't like it. I hate what were both wearing. I look like I'm wearing something out of 'little house on the Prairie' and tori, that scarf is god awful. I'm sorry. I remember thinking that when she came out. Haha. We have almost the same boots tho. Lol. I was hoping she'd come out w/out that wig on.
I wanna shoot that thing off her head! It's fine on stage, but I love tori's hair! Another thing- I wasn't wearing that much make up (as you can see in every piccy before & after) but the lighting/the way we were facing. I look like I'm wearing dark lipstick when I'm not, it looks nothing remotely close to the colour. My hair looks lame -and did I mention my ugly blouse? Yeah, I'm an ant-fucker/perfectionist too. Whatever- do you know how many photos I have w/ tori over the years that will never see the light of day? A lot. Oh well. It is what it is.
At least I don't have a burger on my nose or a black-eye. After I stepped away I was pissed no one took piccys like they said they would. Luckily Jen was at my right side & took a couple (that I totally forgot about 'til she sent them to me around new years eve via myspace). Ohhh Jen saves the day! Thank you sweetie. Muuuaaah. I just sent you a kiss. After the meetngreet a bunch of us went walking to find somehwere to eat. After what felt like walking a mile we found a woodstove pizza place. We got a big long table & I had the privlegde of sitting between Rich & Ursula. Rich is such a big teddy bear of a sweetheart! It was so good seeing him again. I always get good vibes off this fella. ;o). I ordered the same pizza I always order- tomato/basil/add pineapple. Yum yum. We were there for a long while. I was sullen. Didn't like how the meetngreet went down. But kept it to myself. Nobody understands anyhow. So what's the point? We walked back together, but I went on my own to the ATM & got some money out. I walked back alone, just looking for the hill so I won't get lost. It was dark. I see the big window where the box office is! Hurrah! So I walk in there 'cause it was colder then a mother fucker that night. I walk in knowing I'd instantly see peeps I know. And sure enough. I sit down & start chatting. Then I see my babydoll Jessie! I get all excited & yell 'jessie!' He was over looking the Christmas tree. Haha. So he looked up, smiled & came over for some huggles. I absolutely loved his Jimi Hendrix sweatshirt! It was good seeing him again & catching up. We hung out. Then I saw Noelle! Omg! She always sneaks in. I don't see her for 2 years, but ALWAYS run into her on tour. Never a doubt in my mind I wouldn't. This is another thing about tori shows I love. I was sitting there talking to them & I saw ...ok, I'm gonna skip this part/not for all eyes. Noelle gives me her extra tix. Thanx babe! So, I get up & mingle. I get so excited when I see my Karen (out of all the people I wanted to see the most, katey, jess & karen). I must've squealled. Gave her a big extra lonnng hug. Danni actually came up to me & said 'hi raven' & planted a tight hug on me. Wow. That was nice. We haven't talked since our 'beef' on Scarlet'ks Walk tour. We acted like nothing ever happened & just picked up where we left off (before the beef, that is-LOL) we ran around like little bitches taking photos. He kept video recording me-which I didn't realise 'till little later. Haha. *some are in my video section*
They look darker on myspace, not sure why?
All these happenings with only 2 1/2 hrs. sleep mind you! The human body amazes me sometimes. -So the ticket games start & smitty comes out holding the tickets hostage. The usual. The 'regulars' surround him. Some demanding, More then others. I know he was told to give tix to certain people. Which I find totally bazzar & disgusting, but whatever. Hopefully a certain somebody sees the light. Anyhow, so everybody is out there. All I do is stand out there & make myself seen-if he wants to give me a tix he will, if not-fine, but I am not kissing anyone's ass or pretend to be somebody's 'best buddy' to get tix. Hell no. Sale your soul. Not I ! It's such a pathetic & bazzar thing to watch & witness. Ok.. So the same people get the same seats as they do every single night on the tour. I don't care what 'favor' was done or whatever, it's just all so lame. New people will never get that chance to experience tori upclose because of these free-loading hogs. I can just hear the conversation now 'oh tori it would be a big relief off our shoulders if we could get free tix everynight so we can afford to do the whole intire tour'. You know because we are 'bigger fans' & love you more than the people that just do a few shows' fuck you. Selfish & greed. What lovely traits to have. So, even tho they all get front row they still argue amongst each other about who sits in what seat. It is quite amusing to watch. A certain one always has to stand up & do 'roll call' & 'organise', I think we all know who I'm talking about. It's so weird. After a while we all go in, everybody takes their seats. I sit in an empty seat. It was an 'alright' seat. I had better, I had worse. Lisa was right behind me. My friends-joe & his mother sat near me, but moved or was moved. I saw where Danni was sitting. Noelle was in the row behind me. I saw Max & his man down the row infront of me. So I was surrounded. I saw Jim later & he seemed like he hated where he was sitting. So, I took some photos & by looking @ them now, I am amaze by this little camera. How good the photos came out from me being pretty far back. I got better photos of course after the rush, I remember I was on a chair, bending on my knees. Haha...
The show- Well, it was alright, yeah we got 2 dolls which was cool.

Yeah tori flew off her piano bench & went straight to the end of the stage to kick out 2 girls who were being rude. 'Get the fuck out of my show' 'is she with you, she can go too'. But the setlist made me want to pull my hair out. Same songs, nothing exciting to report EXCEPT for 'Twinkle' (one of my all time fav.) It was nice to hear 'Doughnut Song' & 'Space Dog' again. Same Santa set. Same Izzy set. At least she finally really talked to the auddience (those 2 chicks she kicked out). I was disappointed the show wasn't better, Copley being one of my fav. places to see her and all. Oh well. By the time she got to us on the West Coast she was tired. After the show I went back & talked to the the lighting tech. Off we all went into the lobby, I met up w/ friends I had plans with. We were all spending the night at Joe's Mom's house, cool she lives in san Deigo. Some of us were tired (me, lisa & ursula) & some wanted to go to a local bar. So, we all walk to Jim's car got our bags out. Joe's friend took it upon herself to roll my suitcase herself. She rocks! So, we all walk to Joe's mom's truck-ursula got in the front & me & lisa laid down in the back. The others took off to the bar. I had to pee so bad, been holding it since the show & I think lisa fell asleep. Wow. Lucky girl. Wish I could do that! We finally get to her house & I LOVE IT! Such a 'family atmosphere'. All the Christmas stuff up & out. The tree and all the cute little things she put out. Their dog is soooo cute (I think her name was tyra barks-haha I kid you not unless I was really out of it, at that point it had been over 24 hrs. since I got some sleep). * I really got to say something here-if you came up to me & I didn't seem like myself or that I wasn't there, wasn't listening, I was. I was just so tired. Please take that into consideration. I love you. * Joe's Mom is the coolest mom ever, made me long for a mother. I saw how close & connected they were & it was absolutely beautiful! I loved being around that. I loved how all of Joe's artwork & paintings were up all over her apartment walls. I took pictures of them. Joe is very talented. He also published his poetry book. She had cute little cheese ball thingys out w/ little snowmen. I just HAD to take a photo! Haha. Her, ursula & I had such fun that night! Making little finger sandwitches, yum yum, artichoke dip & carrots, bottled water & cheese while lisa was in the shower. I was gonna take one after, but I was simply too tired. Ursula fell asleep soon after & lisa came out, got on the other couch & fell asleep. I talked a little more w/ joe's mom & then got ready for bed, took my suitcases in the room & laid down & looked @ my camera & ate my Sprees (which I lost under the covers 'cause I passed out, good thing I found them the next morning @ the last minute) until I fell asleep.... (That bed was very comfortable). I pulled out the bed underneath so joe can sleep there when he came in. So he did later on when he remembered there was a pull out bed. Haha. I slept @ Joe's house so I can sleep in. The others were taking off early for Santa Barbara while me, joe & his mom sleep in, take our time & get there when we get there. Off to sleep w/ Spree dancin' in my head.

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