you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

12/15 -ANAHEIM- *Take me with you, bare feet runnin w/ you*

Don't remember much or what time I woke up. I remember getting ready in the bathroom, make-up and that my hair was/did not go right. It was flat, the bangs were lifeless. I remember trying to fix it, but after awhile just gave up. I remember him annoying me to no end. He kept sayng "relax, relax". I wasn't even saying anything but-"fuck my hair won't turn out". He was having a manic episode or some shit. Like rainbow fucking bright. So annoying. He kept rushing me, "hurry, hurry. Which is a joke because I don't take long to get ready at all. It takes me like 5 minutes to put on my make up. I hardly ever wear make up & wear my hair up in a bun any other day. So, I don't like to take forever. Warped-speed if fine w/ me. He kept saying he wanted to watch me get ready, altho I kept sayin' "I don't like someone watching me get ready!" He insisted on standing there in the doorway the whole time. You know when you're in a hurry & hair isn't going right, it's like "don't watch me!" I also told him that I was allergic to cologne, to please not spray on in the house, if he can do it on the balcony. He kept putting the crap on & too much of it. It was way too strong. Like I didn't say anything at all. He still continued to gag me. He asked "are you allergic to it or do you just don't like it" I said "both". So I already had my stuff ready to bring. We were kinda taking our time, knowing it was only 1 hour drive. I figured there wouldn't be a meetngreet anyhow & I was right once again. We got in the car, he programmed the GPS and we got on the freeway. He wanted to play the Aerosmith used cd he got the day before. [roll eyes]. Love old Aerosmith, but new-kinda cheezy. So, this is when I get really annoyed. He drives sooo slow like an old man. Here we want to get there at at least a decent time. We get stuck in traffic on top of that. Here I'm having a anxiety attack & he's blasting aerosmith & fighting w/ the lady talking spanish on the GPS. He's all bitching, like seriously bitching that the stupid GPS lady won't talk & tell him where to go. I told him to be patient & she will. She doesn't talk every 5 fucking minutes. He was so stressed out that he was stressing me out. I was happy tho because that part of anaheim is so pretty from what I remembered and I had the feeling that tonight was going to be a good show. AND FUCK WAS I RIGHT! I couldn't wait to get there! He said it was the smallest venue she was playing at. That how funny it was that she was playing the smallest venue of the tour that night & the biggest venue the last night. I took a few piccys on the way. We were supossed to get there @ around 4:00-4:30, but 'cause of traffic we got there @ around 5:00-5:15? I guess? So I see the venue & get all giddy, then I look across the street & see a Starbucks and get even more excited. I been holding my pee for 2 hours! So he passes the venue & the starbucks & turns around. We pull into the starbucks parking lot & he parks kinda far away, I don't know why? There were so many empty spots. I get out & head to the bathroom & the door is locked "what luck I said". So, I stand there waiting by the bathroom door, looking out the window. When I'm nervous or excited or when I don't even realise it, I sing. My fourth grade teacher even said that on my report card. She said I sang in class & in the hallways. Whateves! I didn't even realise it & she was tryin' to get me into trouble! So, I stood there singing 'Teenage Hustling' & the door opens & it's Lisa, my little Lisa. Haha. Out of all people. She comes out in a very good mood & smiles & said "I knew that was you". Lol. She's so cute. She looked cute in her little pink Regina Spektor t-shirt. I told lisa to come w/ me I had something for her. By the look on her face you would have that it was a bomb? Lisa! We have our little tiffys, but I still wuv you. I would never give you a bomb. ;o)
After all you were my travelling buddy from the get go, I know things didn't turn out as planned, but... I wish things would have turned out different. But I do love you. Hope you know that? She follows me to the car & I give her a few prints I made her of tour. That piccy I took of her in Seattle w/ tori. Then I went back in starbucks to get a coffee. I ran into some more people I knew. I got my coffee & brought it into Panda where manuel was eating. I told him I was gonna go check out the scene. Walking out to the cross walk I ran into Jaimee & Erin again. I always do! Haha. Everywhere. I walk over & see sammy j & the usual suspects sitting in the general admission line. How long has it been since I'd been to a GA concert? Haha. Might be fun, might be different I thought. I been to The Wiltern since they tore the seats out, but that's about it-besides tiny local venues I go to. I go up & start talking to friends. It's always good to see familiar faces. It's always so good to see Rich, sitting in his chair! Haha. He's so smart to bring a chair. The bomb baby, the bomb. so as it goes, I never been to this venue, but it was pretty & I liked it. It seemed to me that we sat out there forever. I always have to walk around-so I did. I had to still look for a ticket. Lisa & I walked around looking to see how far the line went back. Wow. You mean these people actually line up? Just kidding. Me & danni walked back to his truck, because he's a diva. ;o) he had to change or some shit? Haha. Shelia came up to me & started petting me. Oook. I ran into Val again. What a darling this Val is. She kept telling me how "out of this world" my hair was, what products do I use & so on, omg, you are so fab! Grabbing on to my hair & running her hands down it. Lol. She kept going on for a good 10 minutes and here I was gonna have a fit 'cause it wouldn't go in the morning, it had no life. She really knows how to make a fellow girl feel good. Thanks Val darling. Every body that night kept tellin' me how good my hair looked. Wtf? You guys are backwards! Guess they like flat ass hair? Drew & the lovely Kayla (god, how does she do it?) So freakin' pretty, they were hangin'. Char, my main man Jim, jesse, every fucking body. I had to go to the bank to the ATM & go pee, so Rich asked if he could walk me over there. He's so sweet. On the way back he talked me into getting this gross ass sandwitch-sorry Rich, that shit made me wanna gag. I later run into Angel & Jill again (from the east coast) didn't know they were gonna be @ the last two shows (they went to the 3 Oakland shows). I asked her where she went to after the 3rd Oakland show 'cause I wanted to talk to her. She said she waited for a taxi for 3 hours. Huh. That Jill is so sweet. So soft-it's refreshing. She has room in her heart for more than herself. And that's the kinda peeps I like. Hugs, then me & lisa were off. I just kept roaming & chatting. I went to go back & stand w/ my friends. We took a lot of photos. I love danni w/ that damn' camera & little video clips! He's so funny. I think this was the night that I had the most fun before a show, besides Oregon, Seattle, Arizona & that drive to Santa Barbara! Good times, good times. I know I'm missing a lot of things & detail here. So finally the Bonnie to my Clyde shows up (joe) w/ his mom & by this point I still don't have a tix. Neither does Joe. I never worry about tix on tour. It always works itself out. This one was a bit different. I wasn't finding a tix, this has got to be the one time it was taking forever. There were just about a handful of people that didn't have one. But AGAIN & like always it worked out in the end. THANKS TO NIKKI :o) I got a tix @ the last minute. Well. Ok-20 minutes before they were gonna let us in, the herd. Nikki must have over heard that I didn't have one or something? Called me over to her to get some dude's phone # to call. She looked it up on her phone, as she read it off to me I programmed it into my blackberry. She said that he wanted $40.00 for it. I said "that's fine". Thanks so much Nikki. That was very kind of you. So I call this # franticly because like everybody starts freaking out @ this point? So he's almost to the venue & I describe myself & what I'm wearing. I kept calling him every 5 minutes or so. Haha. To see where he's at, I couldn't understand where he was tellin' me-i'm not familiar w/ the area. This went on for about 15 mins. He finally pulls up, I'm on the phone w/ him & he says "I'm here". There's a few cars that pull up @ the same time & I'm not sure which one is him. So I just go start walking towards the cars & Joe says "you want me to go w/ you"? I said "yeah". He rolls down the window, waves & I go up and hot digity damn' I thought I was getting my tix from a witch. Haha. So, me & joe are just standing there. I get my wallet out & give him the $40.00, he gives me the tix. And by the way his name is Matt. Thanks Matt. I included him in one of the pictures I took inside the show. We walk back to the line. And out of nowhere, everybody started congradulating me, taking photos of me like I was a fucking movie star, this is what they must feel like everyday. Haha. Wtf guys? I lOVE my frennzz! I weally weally do! So I noticed 2 staff members came up & opened the gates when I wasn't looking. They kept tellin' everybody to walk once they let us in. Then Somebody (I think danni) told me there was a video camera there watching the whole thing. Haha. He was like filming the marquee or something. Whateves! Out of nowhere Joe runs up to me w/ his mom & says "I got 2 tix, $200 tho!" Pisses me off. Who the fuck was the ridiculous asshole that over charged my friend? Fucking scalpers! So they let us in & everybody was pretty much calm. I was pretty much up in the front w/ my friends, so I went right in. They had us going in one or two @ a time. I walked fast, like power walked. Haha. The funny thing is- is that If you asked me to describe the inside of that place, I couldn't. All I remember is walking in & drew was in front of me & we were speed walking. I'll never forget the look on the faces of the people that worked there. They were looking at us all & laughing! Wtf? I said "are you laughing at us?" Like they never saw anything like it before? Weirdos! It looked like they were serving popcorn. Wtf? So I go in & I'm so happy 'cause I see the people like down in front on the lower level & it looked so uncomfortable & squished-happy that drew was in the perfect spot. Then I see Char to his left. It's like a relief, here we get like front row of the 2nd level (if you seen how tiny this place was you'd know why I was happy) plus we have something to lean up on. Cool. What I really loved is when all my friends piled in around me after that. What makes this show so memorable for me is that I WAS surrounded by people I wuv. ;o) I had Kayla next to me & Drew.
To my right Shelia and Manuel (use to love), and behind me, Lisa, joe, joe mama, matt and just everybody. In front of me Danni. & Rich who kept looking back. What cuties! That made the show, Oh and tori playing 'Take me with you', 'Pretty good Year' and 'Suede' wasn't bad either! ;o). So now that all my friends were around me and that I was happy time to talk about the show. Now, I was thinking it was going to be a fucking drag to stand for 2 hours, you know-me having heel spurs and all. But no way. I had no pain at all, infact I fucking loved standing, got more into it & tori absorbed all our engery. She loved the response & feedback from us all. It was obvious! Sooooooo on to the show & a pretty damn' good set list... (Lack of BFP songs, none at all actually-but a lot of Choir girls left their hotel to visit us tonight-and that's a good thing). So Pip comes out shaking her shit, starts in w/ 'Cruel'- loved the way she did it this night. 'Teenage Hustling' 'Heart of gold', & 'Waitress'. Then I had a feeling another doll was coming out. We all tried to guess. We knew once we saw the glasses it would be Sassy Santa. Out prances Santa in a white over coat, she turns her back to us, then takes it off, pours the drinks for the boys & breaks out one of my fav. from ADP 'Body & Soul', 'She's your Cocaine' (boy you don't need one of these to let me inside of you), 'You can bring your dog', (I am starting to like this song-slowly-parts of it at least-except for that god awful opening line-lame!), 'Swirl' (yes!), tori comes on, the usual songs-but then surprises me w/ one of my ALL time fav. 'Liquid diamonds'!!!!! -'cause there's a sea-secret in me and I shouldn't take it personally, I go inside a shell. I have willingly forgot her & am obsessed w/ molasses. Oh and bends in the road. So I was fucking happy as hell to her this girl! Then tori starts the intro to 'Take me with you' and I died! I was so in awe. I remember my mouth dropping open. You already know how I feel about this song, so... I just remember tori looking at me quite a lot during this song. Maybe she felt my energy! Who knows. It was a lovely tour moment and in such a small place. I was lucky to get it. Finally, something new on the set list. Shheeeeeesh! ;o)

It was nice vibes already, right? Right after she goes into 'Pretty good Year' & I was just cryin', as were some of my friends. But you know the whole routine, play it off like you're not. Haha. Tori looked @ me hardcore when she sang "pretty she can be". I don't care, no matter what, no matter where I am, no matter if I'm 300 years old this song will always touch me. ALWAYS. I'll never forget the rush, the breakdown, the feelings of, the emotions I never knew I had race thru me & gave me a long over-due cleansing of all sorts. You know like when you go to whole foods & eat lemongrass for a week, my body needed that, that song held the hand of the little girl inside me. She cradled me like a baby and god damn' it that's what I needed! Where ever you are Greg, thanks for writing that letter. WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE RAVEN? Emotions are high, in a "oh the old tori's back" feeling- then here comes Pip again! Ya! To do 'Suede', fuck ya. I been wanting to hear this all tour, love the "oh little sister" part-for personal reasons. But she's one of my fav. (Personal sidenote: not getting into detail here: but me & tori discuss this song in '98 before it even came out). ::my bayou:: . So it holds a special place in my heart as does 'Orange Knickers' & 'Concertina' , not 'cause I just like 'em, but for the same reason as 'Suede'. I was happy-good show, great songs, took some nice photos, w/ friends. I was so busy talking to people. Suzanne! Hey baby! Long time no see-i love you! And Stu too! After the talking w/ peeps I went into the bathroom where the staff were so rude. Whateves! When I came out I was looking for my friends & Manuel (this is where it all goes bad! Kinda gross!) On my phone calling him to see where his ass went, and Jim & Shelia texting me the same time, wondering if I'm going to the dinner @ Denny's. At the time I didn't know where the Denny's was, if I would have known before hand that it was so close I would have just walked there & left his ass there. I don't mean to sound mean & I mean this guy use to be a good friend of mine-he's changed-he's not like the manuel I use to know. He is self-centered, selfish, bitchy, winey, annoying and VERY VERY STUBBORN. To a ponit I couldn't even recognize this person anymore. It made me sad & it pissed me off. On my way to find him, I'm on my phone & I was the last person out of the venue. Before I knew it a car pulls right up to me. It's angel & Jill. like they came out of nowhere. haha. Angel said "get over here raven and give me a kiss". They drive off just like they drove up, I didn't see where they went-just sorta disappeared. Maybe because I was focussed on kicking someone's ass. I was like getting the fucking run around to where he was- like in plain english mother fucker-WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? Simple as that! So, I see him over by the tour busses & leanging up on the barricades. I was thinking. Wtf? Poor soul doesn't know. I told him that Tori does not do after show meetngreets anymore. That she won't stop to come out to talk to people. I told him 3 times. He didn't believe me, like I was lying to him. No-it's just his fucking stubborn ways once again. He said " no I'm staying, I'm not moving" I told him again-"she's not coming out, plus she takes forever to come out & all my friends are waiting for me at Dennys, let's go manuel, come on". What really pissed me off is he just stood there starring at me, giving me this stubborn stupid look that I wanted to smack right off his face. Just smiling. He's so weird. Then I yelled " then come to the car w/ me, I wanna get my stuff out". He wouldn't budge. I said "I'm not kidding, I want my shit outta your car & I'll go w/ someone else". He wouldn't. He was keeping my stuff hostage & like I had to wait w/ him there until tori came out or whatever" yeah right fuck that! So I yelled at him, went off-made him so embarrassed that he would want to leave. He kept saying "I'm staying here" I said "we have to go meet my friends & she doesn't come out, I'm tellin' you"! It's like talking to a retarded child or something. What part of that do you not understand? So he was being the dick that he is. But he finally came away like after 10 minutes of bullshit. I'm thinking what a jerk & I gotta get rid of him. Ditch his ass. He ain't staying at my house. So, I hardly remember getting in the car 'cause I was so pissed. I get on the phone to call shelia to see where Dennys is at, as I'm talking to her I see the sign & wish I would have walked there & let his dumb ass wait out in the cold for nothing, just so tori could come out & wave and leave. But you knows things happen & I didn't know how close it was yadda yadda yadda. He's all in a bad mood (but when is he not?). We pull up, park & walk up and that's when I see Anthony. My god. Over 4 years since I see him. Drew's out front talking, everybody else inside waiting to be seated. I gave out some prints I made for people of the tour. He kept saying "I don't wanna be here, I wanna leave". What a fucking asshole. He kept repeating himself until I got so sick of hearing it I told my friends he wanted to go & got up. His anti-social, annoying weird ass. We were there for like 10 minutes. I was really tired too but I wanted to spend time w/ my friends. He kept saying he was tired-which was bullshit, he just was pissed off. What he doesn't like my friends or what? I would introduce him to everybody & he wouldn't even talk to them much. I'm talking way back in Santa Barbara. Weird, he was like a tired old man all the time & he's much younger than I am! So, I roll my eyes and sigh & friends look @ him like "whatever dude". We leave & drive home. I was pissed, but not so much 'cause I knew we'd have a big dinner the following night, it being the end of tour & all. So whatever. I try not to stay mad & just wanna go home & sleep. I was really irritated by how he was acting since he been here. We get to my place & I don't remember much about the night. I really don't. I remember him calling his boyfriend & saying gross things in spanish. Eewwwww! That's when knowing spanish comes in handy. He didn't think I knew. Haha. I went to bed late, I remember that. So....

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