you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Sunday, August 30, 2009

All in All it was a pretty nice day...

I had a nice breakfast -which were thoughts, but I usually have coffee with them. That and calling an old friend and when I say old I mean old as in age, as in wise. It was nice.

I am front row center
in the best seat in the house, World.
watching the SunSet, go down
and calling it a day.
Hearing the Waves Tidal on in
doing their job.
Quite The best job on the Planet, Universe.
Healing & making people Happy.
As I stand here in my Reflecting Pool I know what I want to stay the same and I know what I want to change. I also just realised how my life is always going to be.
H.B. to me.
I K A S P W B O T D-
T B N O E D!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

You say we'll never make it there...

Uh oh Let go
Off on my way
Unseen this eternal wanting
Uh oh Way to go
So I get creamed
Waiting for Sunday to drown
Uh oh Way to go
Waiting on Sunday Waiting on Sunday to land
Uh oh Way to go
Waiting on Sunday
Waiting on sunday to drown...
(Seriously waiting for Sunday to Drooooooooooooooown!)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

*HAPPY BIRTHDAY G'MA! * August 26th, you're big day!

My Grandma Madeline was born on August 26, 1926 in Santa Cruz, California. She was one of a kind. I know you hear that a lot when people describe their loved-ones, but she really was. I was blessed to have had her in my life. She would always go out of her way to help others. She found enjoyment in that. She raised me, was my Mother and My Best Friend. We were always together. I lost her this year, on Jan, 5th and I was/am still in shock. I miss her dearly. Today would have been her 83rd birthday... HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRAMS!

I went to her Graveyard on Mother's day and Her Birthday, it's truely unbearable.

I Miss you!

Go to bed, dream instead...2 can play, I said 2 can play.

my cute G'ma

Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's been a year ALREADY! August 22, in my new Seaside Haven

It is ALL so weird to me how time FLEW by. Here it's already August 22nd. A year ago today I moved in here and I felt blessed and cursed all at the same time (it was/is Bittersweet because of the loss of my G'ma/mother) and soon not so far away we will be celebrating Halloween -and me, myself and I will welcome my favourite girl of them all. Winter. Full of Winter, you know) ; )

Although we have beautiful weather here all year round. That's WHY I choose this cute little seaside community. The first 8 months were so hard. I always thought of my G'ma and would sob and get angry, try to talk to her... I was a total mess. We made plans to unpack together and I was going to show her our little downtown. But we never got to do that.

What saved me from myself was myself and Coast to Coast AM, I owe a big part of my survival during that tragic time to the beautiful George Noory and Ian Punnett (you wouldn't understand).

I love my place and it took me a long time to get here. I know Gram's with me. I feel her.

Rave Waves
Banjo doing his version of TOMBIGBEE!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I had attended many funerals of late, one being my own.

My life fit in that box

I wasn't going to write about this in a blog. I went back & fourth with it. Trying to keep my integrity while I go off on my maniacal rant, speaking of something so personal and precious to me. Not wanting to be judged while striving to express my most inner thoughts. I know how people are. I've been alive too long to know better. You can judge me and you can call me weak for writing this but I think it shows my vulnerability and that is the strongest emotion of them all.

Without getting too personal in a blog... This death was a shock, unexpected & shook me to my core. When my Grandmother told me she was sick, I fell to my knees and cried and I haven't quit since then. My Grandma raised me. She was everything to me. My Grandma, my Mother and my Best Friend. I told her everything. We did everything together, like Bonnie & Clyde. She was a "young" sort of a G'ma, totally active, so much so that you couldn't get her to sit down and watch T.V. with you. She was always on the go... We called her "Busy Bee". We had a bond that I will never be able to explain. After the funeral everybody got on with their lives, but not I. I increasing spun into a downward spiral. Lots of very sad moments filled with Sorrow and sobbing. I was/am on a abstract level, shocked by the realisation that my life is different now. The world is different. I am different. It has become lamentable.

Grandma was my only family (besides my father). It feels weird without her here. I was/am incapaciated by greif & disconnected. On my own planet. The world should have ended when she did. It wasn't even her time to go, she even told me that on her death bed.
Her Mother, my Great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old!!! and she still has sisters & brothers that are older than her living today! It pisses me off! I feel so Robbed! How does the human body go from having somebody in their life everyday to never talking, touching or seeing them again? I was so ANGRY! "You could have spared, oh but NO!!" I spent half my time on my knees, wailing, begging, screaming, and crying 'till my eyes were almost swollen shut, "anything BUT THIS". We had made plans, me and Gram. So much unsaid, so much undone.

I'm going to be honest and quite frank here:
I took a drive to the Sea one night, to a place where Nobody was around.
With my Peacoat and Lobster rain boots on I planned on walking into the Waves, Swim swim swim and keep going... It was totally quiet, dark and actually eerily lonely. I stood there and watched and listened to the waves as they rolled in. Seems at one point they wanted me to come in, encouraging me. It was strange! The Ocean was so huge, so vast and never-ending. It was then that I wondered if the sharks were sleeping. ? and right then and there I got scared. Me having these nightmares of a Great White chomping on me since I was little didn't help the case. I walked away with a heavy heart and tears rolling down my face...

My heart is broken. I miss my G'ma to a point I don't wanna explain. My heart is broken.

*What I found most shocking and totally disheartening was the reaction from my "friends" to the reaction I had of my Grandmother/Mother's death. It is almost like it happening twice, the death that is. So I didn't want to pull the ripcord to my parachute, So I wanted to be 'dashed upon those cliffs', I guess people just can't handle hearing such a thing? but that's how I felt.

I just lost my Mother, the one person/thing who mattered to me, So, I'm floating in the darkness, what do you expect, a fucking Disco ball? and sorry a concert won't "fix" anything.

I'm pretty hurt by their reactions and highly disappointed but it's like water rolling right off my back into the drain, I'm used this sort of human condition. People really surprise me, then again they don't.*

There is a lot more to this story, but believe it or not I'm keeping that to myself. I think I already said too much...
My G'ma leaving me behind in an atmosphere of incredulity and sadness. I couldn't even listen to any music while she was sick, it would just make me cry, now I have to listen all the time.
And all those Tori and Fiona, even Regina one-liners fit my life so well, always have, but even more so now. And there's many I can quote, but the best one for now is and always will be
"What's it gonna take 'till my baby's alright?" -My reply, "Nothing."
Not even a bright sandy beach.

"no one laugh's at god in a hospital
no one laughs at god when they're saying
their Goodbyes"- but god could be funny.
God could be so Hilarious
ha ha haaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa."
-I'm not laughing.

My sweet Grandma Madeline