you'll never see the courage I know...

never tell

never tell

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

I had attended many funerals of late, one being my own.

My life fit in that box

I wasn't going to write about this in a blog. I went back & fourth with it. Trying to keep my integrity while I go off on my maniacal rant, speaking of something so personal and precious to me. Not wanting to be judged while striving to express my most inner thoughts. I know how people are. I've been alive too long to know better. You can judge me and you can call me weak for writing this but I think it shows my vulnerability and that is the strongest emotion of them all.

Without getting too personal in a blog... This death was a shock, unexpected & shook me to my core. When my Grandmother told me she was sick, I fell to my knees and cried and I haven't quit since then. My Grandma raised me. She was everything to me. My Grandma, my Mother and my Best Friend. I told her everything. We did everything together, like Bonnie & Clyde. She was a "young" sort of a G'ma, totally active, so much so that you couldn't get her to sit down and watch T.V. with you. She was always on the go... We called her "Busy Bee". We had a bond that I will never be able to explain. After the funeral everybody got on with their lives, but not I. I increasing spun into a downward spiral. Lots of very sad moments filled with Sorrow and sobbing. I was/am on a abstract level, shocked by the realisation that my life is different now. The world is different. I am different. It has become lamentable.

Grandma was my only family (besides my father). It feels weird without her here. I was/am incapaciated by greif & disconnected. On my own planet. The world should have ended when she did. It wasn't even her time to go, she even told me that on her death bed.
Her Mother, my Great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old!!! and she still has sisters & brothers that are older than her living today! It pisses me off! I feel so Robbed! How does the human body go from having somebody in their life everyday to never talking, touching or seeing them again? I was so ANGRY! "You could have spared, oh but NO!!" I spent half my time on my knees, wailing, begging, screaming, and crying 'till my eyes were almost swollen shut, "anything BUT THIS". We had made plans, me and Gram. So much unsaid, so much undone.

I'm going to be honest and quite frank here:
I took a drive to the Sea one night, to a place where Nobody was around.
With my Peacoat and Lobster rain boots on I planned on walking into the Waves, Swim swim swim and keep going... It was totally quiet, dark and actually eerily lonely. I stood there and watched and listened to the waves as they rolled in. Seems at one point they wanted me to come in, encouraging me. It was strange! The Ocean was so huge, so vast and never-ending. It was then that I wondered if the sharks were sleeping. ? and right then and there I got scared. Me having these nightmares of a Great White chomping on me since I was little didn't help the case. I walked away with a heavy heart and tears rolling down my face...

My heart is broken. I miss my G'ma to a point I don't wanna explain. My heart is broken.

*What I found most shocking and totally disheartening was the reaction from my "friends" to the reaction I had of my Grandmother/Mother's death. It is almost like it happening twice, the death that is. So I didn't want to pull the ripcord to my parachute, So I wanted to be 'dashed upon those cliffs', I guess people just can't handle hearing such a thing? but that's how I felt.

I just lost my Mother, the one person/thing who mattered to me, So, I'm floating in the darkness, what do you expect, a fucking Disco ball? and sorry a concert won't "fix" anything.

I'm pretty hurt by their reactions and highly disappointed but it's like water rolling right off my back into the drain, I'm used this sort of human condition. People really surprise me, then again they don't.*

There is a lot more to this story, but believe it or not I'm keeping that to myself. I think I already said too much...
My G'ma leaving me behind in an atmosphere of incredulity and sadness. I couldn't even listen to any music while she was sick, it would just make me cry, now I have to listen all the time.
And all those Tori and Fiona, even Regina one-liners fit my life so well, always have, but even more so now. And there's many I can quote, but the best one for now is and always will be
"What's it gonna take 'till my baby's alright?" -My reply, "Nothing."
Not even a bright sandy beach.

"no one laugh's at god in a hospital
no one laughs at god when they're saying
their Goodbyes"- but god could be funny.
God could be so Hilarious
ha ha haaa haaaaaaaaaaaaa."
-I'm not laughing.

My sweet Grandma Madeline



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